Seems I'm Being OutVoted on the Image I have of Myself.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light!

(ripping off Thomas Dylan!)

Kip's. Those signs have been there since 1970

When we were young, we could stay out all night partying and finally come back from Providence to hit up Kip's restaurant as it was opening for the day. I clearly remember one older waitress being snarky with us about “some of us having to work at that time of day.” She was pissed she was working a shit job at her age and noticed us bleary-eyed kids coming home from a night of drinking. I guess the fact that we existed pissed her off or made her aware of a life she could no longer have. We gypped her on the tip.

What I noticed was that near the door, old guys would be there at the open and sipping coffee, reading the newspaper or just talking. They were slightly or grossly overweight, bald or had blindingly white hair or both. They moved in a slow measured pace. These were the bored local retirees who had nothing to do all day but start it with Kips. After that, I have no idea where they went. Probably a lot of tv watching...or puttering around.

They say you need less sleep as you get older and I find that to be partially true. As a 20 something, if I could swing it, sleeping to noon was doable. Not anymore I can't. That's partly out of guilt and the fact that a day doesn't seem to last as long as they used too. Sleeping in past 7 am is sin now as there is shit to do, even if it is just minor errands to run.

A few years ago I got up at dawn, without any alarm and layin bed hoping I'd drift off again. No go. Well, might as well get up. I did and in the space of 30 minutes got real bored and decided to get a quickie breakfast at Kips. I found myself sitting with the old men near the door as they are the first to arrive. I occasionally butted into their conversation about local stuff and sort of enjoyed their old memories as I could access them. I was near enough to that time when they happened. Granted, I was just turned 50 and they in their early 60's but there was some overlap. I sort of liked the comradery. As I left, I looked back and saw them as they were, old guys with guts and ever increasing lined faces. But I surely wasn't one of them.

Wait...

I sat with them. I talked to them. I have the cotton white hair. I have the lined, sun damaged face. I have a measured gait and fear winter's icy sidewalks.

It hit me I that I was. At least a kid brother who was just behind them as we all went over the hill. Dammit!

What's next? Sitting on the park benches in Slater park, feeding the geese? I see those guys nearly every morning when I cut through to get to Seekonk to gas up the car.

Ok, I'll admit this one.

I WAS sitting on a park bench in Slater Park last summer. I had been playing with a digital camera and took 100 pictures then deleted 98 of them. It was just an excuse to play with electronics. As I sat there, I wanted to close my eyes for a bit. Just a bit mind you. The next thing I heard was a gaggle of kids from a daycare on an outing, all yelling that they saw fish in the pond. I immediately was startled aware, thinking I had just zoned out of a minute, till I felt something wet. I was drooling.

I quickly wiped my mouth and realized I had fallen asleep for a few. Son of a bitch! I hope those kids didn't see...or anyone else walking by that could've and I had NO idea because I was zonked out.

I can imagine what people may have thought as they walked by. “Awww...he looks like Dad on the couch...Dad drools on his shirt too! Poor ol' guy...Let's take a pic!”

**

There are benefits to getting older. I can read people's faces and garner the truth (most times from the younger ones who haven't learned the Art of Poker Face). Most cops ignore me walking, standing or driving because as they profile me they see: “White hair, lined face....old. Probably out to CVS to get his script or shop. Completely no threat at all.” They ain't too far off either. The last time I drove buzzed on 95 at 3 AM was probably over ten years ago. I'm not out that late at night to be a threat to anyone anymore.

The other benefit is that you develop that perspective on your own life and the lives of others near your age. You become more...accepting of other's personality faults (to the degree they don't splatter their lives on you) and you begin to become more aware that the bare necessities of life are the true luxuries. Cue up the song from Disney's Jungle Book, ”The Bear Necessities.” A full cupboard, full gas tank and a decent pair of heavy slippers in winter go a long way vs. owning a ski vacation home in Breckenridge Colorado. Less is more finally makes a hell of a lot of sense.

The downside...

I hate to say it but you start to notice you are becoming irrelevant by the day. Older women feel this keenly as they find out they seem to become more and more invisible in men's eyes. If this weren't true then the “youthful makeup” industry would die in a week. Shop clerks scan you wearily hoping you don't get confused or stand there bitching about some very minor problem. No small talk, little eye contact and here's your change and goodbye. I also find that I don't give a shit about any newer music, the latest clothing fads or the whatever everyone else is chasing. You get old enough to finally discard, forever, that need to fit in. The total independence is nice but comes at a cost of being tragically unhip. So.be.it.

The other part of aging and you can't ignore it, is the wear and tear you've put on. Your body will over rule ANY idea that it doesn't like. Go ahead..try to argue with a sore knee and go rock climbing. Guess who wins? A misguided dream I had about a year ago was to climb Mt Katahdin in Maine. The final assent is along the “Knife's Edge” where 60 mph winds can blow you off and you fall 3,000 feet with plenty of time to think about it on the way down too. Shit...I can't get on my roof now w/o securing my ass with rappelling rope to make sure I don't slip and fall 17 feet. I had gone up there a year ago and half way up I had to stop moving and stop freaking out over the height as fear will make you fuck up and fall. I sat there, calmed down and very deliberately move up the rest of the way.

I'm going to crawl along Katahdin's two to three foot wide cliff made of smashed boulders? Nope.

And then this happened tonight. I had received a Dunkin' Donuts gift card from my dentist (creating further business or a Thank You for dropping $10,000 over the years?) and I finally decided to use it. I got some donuts, brought them to the car and I looked at the receipt as the teen girl had problems swiping the card. I wondered if the problem would show up on the receipt. What...I saw, was a 10% discount for “Seniors.”

“What the fuck?” I thought to myself.

I never asked for it. She had looked at me, that Tolman High school girl and automatically punched that in.

Can you tell I'm NOT aging gracefully?