Sunrise with the White Album

On early Sunday mornings WZLX, 100.7FM, has “Breakfast with the Beatles.” A few minutes ago I was listening to the song Why Don’t We Do It in the Road? off the White Album. That caused me to time warp back to an English class I had at Rhode Island College taught by Paul Anghinetti.



Paul was one of those professors who spent half the class pontificating on life instead of teaching the subject matter. He was quite opinionated about my generation, the Boomers. He would, rather jokingly and amusingly, criticize the hell out of us over whatever thing he could find. The thing was, he was right.


“You people can’t WRITE! You can barely read for that matter! Want to know when I last taught a real English class? Huh? It was 1972 for God’s Sake!! No one I came across after then could do it!” Pauly (as he preferred to be called) had no problem telling us how horribly educated we were up to that point.


Another morning in his class brought this.


“Oh, you think YOUR generation, the 60’s and 70’s are going to be the ones who “mark” the 20th century? Noooo! It was WWI and WWII that’s going to be remembered. You think the Beatles are going to be the signature of the past 100 years? And another thing! You people have NO morals! Hell, you display it in your music…”Why Don’t We Do It in the Road” is a perfect example!


Pauly wasn’t a prick. He was just lamenting all the things he grew up with. The WWII generation was being shoved aside and forgotten. In fact, Pauly was one of the more entertaining professors I’ve had at RIC.


And now I’m hearing Yer Blues now, “My mother was of the sky. My father was of the earth. And I am of the universe. And you know what it's worth.“(nothing at all).

English Dept. at Craig Lee

What You See Isn't What You Get

Conjure up your stereotype of a “surfer dude.” Now add to that image, scruffiness, granola and torn LL Bean shoes. Also, bedeck him with a personality that is seemingly unaware and always three seconds behind everyone else. Have it? I met a guy like this last night.


We were outside the Celtic watching the first snow flurry when I asked him about the cast on his right foot and how he came to break it.

 He answers. “Sheesh…some fat guy fell on it while I was fighting him and his three friends, sort of tackled me by falling down onto my legs. I was wasted and didn’t know it was hurting till six hours later. It sort of sucks, having to limp about at work and stuff.”


I ask him where does he work, thinking it was some sort of job requiring that he stand all the time.


“I work with a scientist. We make new cancer therapies.”

In my mind I say the word “bullshit“ to myself as he tells me this story. God, another peon totally inflating his carriage and position in this world. There are thousands of them!

“Ok, let’s flesh this out a bit more” I say to myself. I know something of cancer, sickness and medical advances. Let’s see how long this dimwit can sustain this fiction.


“What do you do? Does it involve new chemo treatments or radiation? I ask.


“No, no…We extract T cells from a patient’s body, change the DNA via a virus carrier, to increase their targeting onto the specific cancer they have. Then we grow them in a medium…sorta increase the cell counts by ten to twenty fold. We then replace these super T cells back into the patient. We inject a Rambo army of T cells onto the cancer.”


“T cells? Viral manipulation of DNA? “Growing medium?” I stand there shocked hearing these words coming from, what seems, a pothead.


“What school did you go to? You have a degree in biology? I ask?


“Yeah…I got a bio degree…(snort)…from Rhode Island College” he says.


I then ask, “Do you remember a Ted…”


“…Duluk?” He says, cutting me right off and answering correctly. Ted Duluk is a biology professor that I knew one time. And he worked at RIC.


I stand there still, not believing what I’m looking at. This guy looks too fucked up to be able to tie his own shoes. What bio engineer looks like this?


Later on, I remembered the old movie “The Absent Minded Professor.” I then realize that this guy, who was much younger than me, was probably his generation’s version of this goofy personage.

A Few Christmas Memories

Well, another Christmas comes at us at 100mph as usual. There are the people you must send cards to, gifts to buy and the parties to attend. With me, memories of past Christmas’s will crop up.


When I had a family so long ago, we’d used to go to our Uncle’s Christmas Eve party at his house on Sterry St. The Irish celebration does not include much food as the Irish could never cook to save their lives. There was however, much alcohol. I can remember the adults first acting normal then getting progressively louder (read as: drunker) till one of them fell on the card table knocking it over. We kids took advantage of the situation by doing what we wanted as the adults were too silly to manage us. Overall, it was a fun night.

A strange occurrence would happen later in the night at each of those parties for years for which I was never given a proper explanation. A man would show up, an Irish national, and would back slap and shake everyone’s hand. He would work the crowd and collect money and checks from them. The adults would be talking about people I never knew, one being Bernadette Devlin. The name stuck with me because of the odd last name sounding like the DEVIL. He would stay about 30 minutes and claim he had many other parties to attend that night. When I asked why he was collecting so much money my uncle would say, (in an Oi-rish accent) “Oh Ronnie, he’s collecting for the poor in Ireland, it’s a Christmas gift from us to them. They can buy shoes, clothing and food with it.”

Being seven years old you believe what grown ups tell you.

A few years later I finally figured it out when I learned that this man was a “Southie” from Boston, an illegal Irish immigrant and was armed. One night he was showing an automatic pistol to someone in my uncle’s driveway. I happened to be looking in the right direction when he pulled it out halfway from his winter coat.

The brain clicks…one plus one equals…the Irish Republican Army. I later learned that this “Bernadette Devlin” was radical agitator during the Troubles in Ireland.

“Collecting for the poor in Ireland…huh?” I sarcastically thought to myself.




*****

As I became much older and as our family was being whittled down one by one, my brother and I would find our other friends who were in a similar situation and create our own “family” for that night. On Christmas Eve’s, we would ape an East Side of Providence Jewish tradition and go to Chinese restaurants. Since Christmas Eve and Christmas itself pretty much shuts down the state, your Jewish will find the only other race that kept their businesses open that night, the Chinese.

Our group was pretty varied. We had a RISD art teacher, a cab driver/writer, a few lawyers and a couple of actors from Trinity Rep where my brother had been working. We’d eat, drink and recall past Xmas’s or just yap in general. My brother never drank much and whined to go home early. Sure, fine. I’d then go over to the Polish family I knew to finish out the evening. I’d be offered a few shots of some Polish rubbing alcohol called “Spiritus.” Augh, that stuff was awful! Christmas mornings brought a nice breakfast of fried rice and crab Rangoon!

Applications are now being accepted.

Ok girls! Here's the new application! Get it filled out and we can start the interviews soon!

                                    Application for Girlfriend





Name_____________________________________________


Address___________________________________________




Phone #____ - ______-______




SS#___ __ _____




Credit Card # _________________(For vetting purposes only! Really!)




Height_____________




Weight____________ (Don’t lie now!)




Age_______________ (Really Don’t lie on this one!)




Hair Color__________




Are You? (check one please) Single___ Married___ Married and Looking to Cheat___


Have a Crazy Ex Boyfriend Who Will Follow Us Wherever We go_____






I. Past Relationship History


Do you have Children? (circle one please) Yes/No
Are they living with you? Yes/No
How many? (Fill in here, If you have over 2 children, stop this application immediately!!!!)_____


Do You Want Prospective Boyfriend to PAY FOR EVERY DAMN THING THEY WANT? Yes/No


How many Men have you slept with? (circle one please) One, Two, Three, Four, So many that keeping count is meaningless now.


Does former husband/boyfriend refer to you as:


The one that got away


The “lump”


That goddamn whore who took everything I had!






In the past have you ever? (circle any and all)


Faked an injury, blamed your boyfriend so you could call the cops on him?


Been convicted of over 6 DWI’s?


Been accused of “whining?”


Bulimic or Anorexic?: (If bulimic, do you clean up your own vomit off the carpet?)

 Been in and out of cocaine rehab centers?








II. Psychological Analysis


Do you know what Butler Memorial Hospital is? Yes/No


Do you know what anti-psychotic medications are? Yes/No


Is your self esteem lower than a flea‘s? Yes/No


Does the phrase “hitting bottom” have any meaning to you? Yes/No






III. Employment History


Are you working? Yes/No


Are you a “working girl? Yes/No (Answering Yes or knowing what this means


precludes you forever!)


May I call your former employer? Yes/No


(If former employer uses the words “f’ing bitch, damned thief or stubborn as a


Donkey,” you are precluded)






IV. Financial Test




1+1 =


You’ve been arrested for insider fraud, your first phone call should be to…


A. Your Lawyer


B. The take out pizza joint


C. NOT TO ME




You’re paycheck this week is $1,000. Your bills are $400, $100 and $300.


How much money can you spend on the weekend?


A. $200


B. $17,500


C. $1,000






Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. I hope you will do well. Please download this, fill it out and tack this to the giant oak tree in Slater Park at the north end of the duck pond. Sorry, my real address must be kept secret.