I
once was invited, about ten years ago, to cook a Thanksgiving
dinner, or at least help with 80% of it. I haven't done it since.
What happens is that people start to butt in as they're
absolutely sure you're doing it wrong. The real
problem is that they've never seen how it was done right in the first
place, ever, in their lives.
Add
to that those who bring a pot luck dish to add to the dinner. They
insist you critique it. That's an occasion to whip up a big FAT white
lie, or many of them.
I”ve
been in this career over 20 years. I'm not Jacques Pepin and don't
claim to be. There are a few things I can do that I bat out of the
park, routinely. And...there are other things I can butcher with
almost 100% certainty each time.
So,
a week before we were to meet, I warned the others, who were going to
“help” to understand what prep means. Prepping doesn't mean you
do it at 8 AM for a 1 PM dinner.
“Well,
why not? They can ask
“Where
are you going to put the food you make to keep it warm?”
“The
oven.”
“Won't
the turkey be in the oven then?” I say.
“Ohhh...”
The light bulb finally goes off. “But what about the top of the
stove?”
I
answer, “We'll be cooking off those items that have to be done in
the last hour, all four burners will be occupied.”
Silence...
I
finally say, “There's only so much equipment and room here, we have
to use strategy!”'
**
I
had preheated the oven and after a while I opened it up to stuff the
turkey in. What was odd, I should've been hit in the face with a heat
wave but was met with a nice warm breeze instead. I looked at the
dial and it said 350 degrees. Uh oh, something's up. I asked B when
he used the oven last and I hear this, “Oh, about 10 yeas ago”
“B,
this oven is waay off. It's not 350.” After you work for years
around ovens you can guesstimate the temperature from just how your
face is hit when that first blast comes from a just opened oven.
I
get shouted down.
“Oh,
the oven's fine! It works! Put the damn bird in the oven.” B says.
So
I do, but behind his back, I jack the dial to 450.
I
found this funny as some guests were about to go ballistic when I was
about to dump something called a mirepoix into the garbage after I
had used it.
Many
meats, including turkey, are best cooked on top of a layer of
carrots, onions and celery, that's a mirepoix. It adds flavor, color
and all sorts off goodies. When the turkey was done, I hefted it out
of it's pan onto a plate, drained the juice than was about to toss
the browned, nearly burnt mirepoix into the trash.
“What
are you doing!” Two people spoke up.
“I'm
done with this, it can go now” I say.
“No!
No!” We want it! We'll eat it! Those two say. They looked at me as
I were nuts.
I
stood there, realizing I could not explain to them what those veggies
were for and how destroyed they were after baking in an oven for over
3 hours. I'd be shouted down. So I shut up. They put them in a bowl
to eat when everything else was done.
Those
who live in Plymouth pride themselves on NOT eating that canned
cranberry sauce. They make their own. D. had brought her own in as a
pot luck addition. The berries are cheap there and they damn near
grow everywhere there's water. D asked me to try a bit and I did. The
“sauce” is not pureed and it has berries in whole form still. I
tasted it and nearly gagged. The acid in them would knock out an ape.
Not only that, the berries were still crunchy which told me they were
barely scalded when she cooked them.
“So?
How is it? She asks. In that anticipation I'd pat her head for a job
well done.
I
lie as best as I can. “Oh, it's fine, put it in the fridge.”
I
turn back to the counter and don't dare swallow this crap, waiting
for that moment when I can spit it out. I manage.
A
Simple Trick for Mashed Potatoes.
I
had drained a pot of them and then returned said pot back on the
burner to evaporate any water that was left. Once again, the crew had
to interject their disapproval.
“You'll
burn THEM!” I hear Dammit, once again if I TRIED to explain why,
they wouldn't believe it. This time I ignored them and drove off the
water. Why have mashed that's sloppy? Let the butter do the creaming
trick instead of thinning water.
The
same holds for making your own autumn squash too. Get rid of that
water! Unfortunately, D was in charge of making those.
Finally
we hit the table and pass the food around. Due to being raised with
manners, I HAVE to put some of the other's pot luck food on my plate
to at least seem I want it. EXCEPT that destroyed mirepoix. Though I
see everyone else taking a heaping of that greasy, burned mixture.
I
pile up my plate and I noticed D's crunchy cranberry sauce and her
water-shedding squash is already forming a little river polluting
everything else on my plate. Everything else seemed to be in order
though. I chow it down, taking the most minimal bites of the cran
and squash.
So,
after we're all done, K wants to surprise us with her own pumpkin pie
which she made from scratch. Well, this might be good I say to
myself.
I
did, until I saw her cut the pie up. The center of it was still
gelatinous and all I could think was salmonella. The pie wasn't
cooked all the way through. So, being nice, I accepted my piece and
ate all that WASN'T near the center. Though no one puked the days
after though I came to find out.
Had
we done the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, it would've been far easier.
