Knowing When To Quit

Many moons ago in a career I started right out of college, I was embroiled in a legal case that absorbed a good 18 months of my life. In a nutshell, a political war had broken out which I managed to sidestep for a good while but was eventually drawn into. It involved one group trying to employ their friends by pushing out another. One after another, the old group I belonged to was shoved out the door. I was the last one. Most of the others, who were tossed out, never fought it. There were only two of us who did. Rachael gave up after getting some cash. I kept at it because I wanted heads on a platter.



I won. I won because I was seriously pissed off and did not quit. Would I do it again the same way if I had the chance? Well, not exactly. I would’ve eased up a lot had I the chance. But that’s hindsight for you, no?


But, that’s not what I want to talk about, but rather my state of mind during those two years.


That was the time I really learned what tunnel vision was about. What revenge, anger and hate and how it consumes you. Without having the benefit of perspective because your so wrapped up in current events, your life stalls due to jealously orbiting one aspect of it. I learned later, that the way I was acting was very nearly like a hotly pissed off couple going through a bitterly contested divorce.


Week passing into week, I turned my fight into a full time job. I hired three lawyers to cover all bases. I probably looked like General Patton directing various salients blitzkrieg-ing my way into the enemy. I created a large poster board where I mapped all information and alliances of my enemy. I knew them fairly well and their personalities, so I crafted a plan on how they’d react to my moves. I ran various scenarios they may have used to defend their positions in order to preempt them. I planned for best, middle and worst case scenarios.


Christ, now that I reread that previous paragraph I astonish myself! It was a divorce!


There are only 24 hours in a day and you have only so much energy. When you pour large amounts of exertion and focus into something, other things in your life drift back. It did for me. A close friend at that time drifted away somewhat and found his future wife by doing so. My brother probably became sick and tired of my talking about the case. I created a file in the basement with all those damned court documents. I never created files before for anything! I am certain I became “less fun” a person. Jesus, talk about obsessing!


*****


The summer of ‘95 I found myself again. I was camping in the northwest of RI near Clarkville lake when I released all that crap in a summer afternoon. I really don’t know how I managed to do it, but here goes…


I went off by myself to hike around the lake when I found a large escapement of rock to climb. I scampered up it fairly quickly. It was about 40 feet above the lake and it provided a nice view to the west. The July day was quite hot and windy. I sat on a sun heated boulder and looked at water and the white pine that forested the whole area and I felt like I was the only person there. There was nothing moving in that piping midday sun but the wind.


My mind can be engrossed in calculating one idea to another, sub-referencing left and right and thinking of the past or ideas for the future. My brain can move faster than I can speak if you’ve ever spent time with me. I’ve always been like this and the past legal battle really enhanced that high speed processor in my head.


But for once, I thought of nothing as I sat on that rock.


I looked at the trees, water and the horizon towards the Connecticut border and I was calm, finally. I guess that I felt that way because nothing else existed but what I saw. “In the moment” your Zen types would say.



Again, it’s hard to explain but there it is. I dumped all that animosity at that rock. I wasn’t trying, but it let go. There are times when you decide, consciously or unconsciously, to head off in a new direction. I guess I naturally gravitated towards that new path.


In a few months, I was back to real life once again, reclaiming my old friends and met Roberta.