Applications are now being accepted.

Ok girls! Here's the new application! Get it filled out and we can start the interviews soon!

                                    Application for Girlfriend





Name_____________________________________________


Address___________________________________________




Phone #____ - ______-______




SS#___ __ _____




Credit Card # _________________(For vetting purposes only! Really!)




Height_____________




Weight____________ (Don’t lie now!)




Age_______________ (Really Don’t lie on this one!)




Hair Color__________




Are You? (check one please) Single___ Married___ Married and Looking to Cheat___


Have a Crazy Ex Boyfriend Who Will Follow Us Wherever We go_____






I. Past Relationship History


Do you have Children? (circle one please) Yes/No
Are they living with you? Yes/No
How many? (Fill in here, If you have over 2 children, stop this application immediately!!!!)_____


Do You Want Prospective Boyfriend to PAY FOR EVERY DAMN THING THEY WANT? Yes/No


How many Men have you slept with? (circle one please) One, Two, Three, Four, So many that keeping count is meaningless now.


Does former husband/boyfriend refer to you as:


The one that got away


The “lump”


That goddamn whore who took everything I had!






In the past have you ever? (circle any and all)


Faked an injury, blamed your boyfriend so you could call the cops on him?


Been convicted of over 6 DWI’s?


Been accused of “whining?”


Bulimic or Anorexic?: (If bulimic, do you clean up your own vomit off the carpet?)

 Been in and out of cocaine rehab centers?








II. Psychological Analysis


Do you know what Butler Memorial Hospital is? Yes/No


Do you know what anti-psychotic medications are? Yes/No


Is your self esteem lower than a flea‘s? Yes/No


Does the phrase “hitting bottom” have any meaning to you? Yes/No






III. Employment History


Are you working? Yes/No


Are you a “working girl? Yes/No (Answering Yes or knowing what this means


precludes you forever!)


May I call your former employer? Yes/No


(If former employer uses the words “f’ing bitch, damned thief or stubborn as a


Donkey,” you are precluded)






IV. Financial Test




1+1 =


You’ve been arrested for insider fraud, your first phone call should be to…


A. Your Lawyer


B. The take out pizza joint


C. NOT TO ME




You’re paycheck this week is $1,000. Your bills are $400, $100 and $300.


How much money can you spend on the weekend?


A. $200


B. $17,500


C. $1,000






Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. I hope you will do well. Please download this, fill it out and tack this to the giant oak tree in Slater Park at the north end of the duck pond. Sorry, my real address must be kept secret.