12 Periods of Christmas
(Ok, I can't think of any more Xmas
stories and I'm too lazy to come up with one so here's a piece from a few years ago that
still makes me giggle.)
1-5
years old
You're
too young to understand the concept of Christmas. Toddlers enjoy the
pretty lights, the gingerbread cookies and popcorn ball treats, the
songs and carols and everything fun about the holiday but they don't
quite yet understand the power of Xmas. To young kids, Christmas
feels like a second birthday except the gifts are doubled, there is
no blowing out of birthday candles or parties with ponies taking
embarrassing dumps in the backyard. At this age the toy or the box it
came in is just as fun to play with. Chewing on the Christmas light
cords like the dog does is also fun to do.
6-8
years old
This
is the Christmas sweet spot. The age when anything...any gift,
magical event, or wish is possible thanks to a fat man living up
north in a house full of midgets making toys strangely identical to
major manufacturers (yet no one seems to mind). The holiday also
includes the greatest gift of all — a week off from school and the
constant torture of teachers, bullies and the inability to take a
dump for eight hours a day because no one would dare use a bathroom
at school...under any circumstances. This is also the age where
breaking your new toys can be fun too. This was hard at one time
because Tonka made their toys out of real metal. You kids have it
easy today!
9-12
years old
Santa
was a lie! You had an idea a few years earlier but now all signs
point to your parents shoveling you bullshit for the first decade of
your life. What else have they been lying about? Oh just tooth
fairies, bunnies delivering chocolate and your uncle who stopped
coming by the house a few Thanksgivings ago. He’s not in the Peace
Corp, he’s doing 12 years at Danforth Federal Prison, but they
won’t say exactly what for. Maybe lying to his kids about a jolly
fat dude with a perverted sounding “naughty” list and a tooth
collecting broad with more singles than a main stage stripper on a
busy Saturday night to dole out. This is the age where you begin to
play the same game back to your parents by ever so deftly
manipulating them into getting the gifts you want. This is especially
easy if your parents are divorced. You can really haul it in! Work
their guilt and hateful competition of one another.
13-20
years old
It’s
not about asking for toys anymore, you're a teen, it’s about
getting gifts to elevate social status. Designer clothes, expensive
kicks, flashy tech gear and maybe even a car if you’re old man is
willing to finally give up his beater of a ride, buy something built
in the 2000s, and fork over the keys. You also loathe yourself for
getting so excited over a Christmas gift basket filled with stuff you
need at college. You just kissed your parents for the thoughtful gift
of bulk toilet paper and rolls of quarters to do laundry. You also
realize that getting any clothing is a great gift because you didn't
have to spend your own money to get it yourself. That sweater your
GrandMom got you at a eleven years of age wasn't a sucky gift after
all.
21-25
years old
You’re
out of college. You’ve got a job. It’s now your responsibility to
buy gifts for your entire family. Thankfully, Jesus invented gift
cards (it’s in the New Testament) so gift buying is a cinch.
Unfortunately, you spend the day after Christmas in return lines
because your family has no idea what clothes you wear, your actual
size, what music you like, and that you haven’t read a book since
Lit 101. And seriously, what the fuck is a compact disc? You also
discover that the Chinese are heathens and don't celebrate Christmas
and mercifully keep open their restaurants on Christmas night so you
can escape your family and go get drunk with your other 20-Something
friends. You won't feel like a loser alcoholic because the place will
be packed with others doing exactly the same thing.
25-30
years old
You’re
in a long term relationship and you're already spending the Xmas
money you don't even have yet (credit cards!) on engagement rings and
first homes. The holidays start feeling really different, since you
don’t spend them with your own family anymore, but with her family,
her friends, and maybe if there is time you can swing by your parents
house to visit your mom who’s pissed you’re not spending the
holiday with your family and an old man who has been drunk since his
work Christmas party in early December. Stopping by with the right
excuses may lessen the jealousy of your parents. Remember to leave
the girlfriend home at her parent's place. Realize as well that come
Decmeber 26th, Christmas never existed nor happened as you
are back to your regular workaday world and have to spend most of
your attention on that. A reminder? Your Chase Bank credit card bill
will arrive in two weeks.
30-40
years old
This
decade sucks one massive Yule Log. You’re married, you’ve got
kids, and those kids demand toys considered “hot ticket items”
which oddly get released the week before Christmas that Hasbro has
been hyping the shit out of all season. So you're traveling in
circles around the state just days before Christmas, sometimes even
across a couple state borders, to find one stupid Hatchanimal. As you
frantically search each store hoping for a miracle (does Home Depot
carry toys?) the only thought circling your head is the kid's
disappointment because the toy isn't under the tree. You've failed as
a parent. You SUCK. You’ve given them a love, a home and attention
but couldn’t deliver a fucking toy every other kid will get and
wave in the faces of your kid. Hopefully the arresting officer will
go lightly on your situation after you punch a nun buying a cart full
of Hatchanimals for an orphanage. It’s a Christmas miracle you
didn’t give her a concussion.
40-50
years old
You've
got kids in their teens and early 20s. The toys turn into gadgets and
the holiday morphs into an event exorbitantly more expensive than
ever before. As if footing the bill for six years in college and
another year “finding themselves” isn’t enough of a gift. You
don't like anything about the holiday — from the songs you've heard
for a full month each of the last four decades. The Classic radio
stations you love now play this crap 24/7. Also the decorating, the
traffic, the commercials and those Charlie Brown specials you adored
in your youth but now feel like PSA cartoons about the dangers of
bullying in school. Seriously, if ever there were ever a cartoon kid
to shoot up a school, it's Charlie Brown. A mindful jury would
exonerate him.
50-60
years old
You
don't care about Christmas till a week ago. Your wife (if you're
still married) does all of the shopping, you only have to buy for
her, and yet you still manage to screw that up. Your kids visit for a
couple hours, just to collect their gift cards and eat, and shuttle
out the door to visit their future in-laws because they are
“splitting time” between families this year. You’d all
celebrate together but your in-laws are fucking morons with big
mouths. You're also not allowed to eat half the food on the Christmas
table because of high cholesterol or that just-starting heart problem
you've been diagnosed with. You go to the buffet table in the other
room alone where you can to shove all that salami into your mouth, as
long as they don't see it, it can't hurt. You end the day in a
drunken sleep.
60-70
years old
The
holiday is slightly more enjoyable. You're older now, semi-retired,
and living off a smaller salary so no one expects absurdly expensive
gifts. There are also grandchildren. It's fun to watch them open
gifts, get excited for Santa and get wrapped up in the festivities
like your kid's did — and you — did so many decades ago. It's
also enjoyable to witness your own children, now grown, slowly lose
faith in the holiday while chasing down the newest piece of crap toy.
You're laughing your ass off, chugging spiked eggnog and grinning
“welcome to the club” with a warmth that’s probably thanks to
the brandy spiked chocolates and double rum cakes. If there is one
thing to celebrate during the holidays it’s booze-infused baked
goods. What's also good is that at this age, you can complain of
feeling too cold or tired and your kids will drive you home early and
you get to avoid all the drama.
70-80
years old — You
don't notice, or care, it's Christmas time. Many of your friends are
dead, all your kids are gone during the holiday, visiting your
grandkids or just refusing to spend time with a miserable old bastard
like you. The good news is no one expects shit from you as far as
presents because you're living off a pension or meager social
security benefits. Retirement? Ha! Bigger bullshit that Old Saint
Nick. Your family would rather you not buy them gifts anyway since
you're terrible at buying gifts. It's because you always left it up
to your wife. You'd buy gifts that had meaning to you, 50 years ago!
Where is your wife? Well, it depends which wife you're talking about.
Also, you spend at least five minutes on Christmas day thinking about
your own death. It will kill the mood of any retirement community
holiday pizza party.
80-90
years old —
Christmas? You call this shit Christmas?!? When I was a kid, THAT was
Christmas! You refuse to talk about the Christmas that's going on now
and prefer to speak of ones that occurred right after WW2...during
the German Reconstruction period. Also, each Christmas you manage to
see keenly reminds you of the next one you, by probability and Social
Security longevity statistics, won't see.
