NOT the Marrying Kind

“Why aren't you married yet?”

Many of us singles, who will never cross the threshold, girl and boy alike, for whatever reasons, feel a bit miffed when asked.

It sounds like an accusation.

“Why aren't you married yet? Are you gay? Lesbian? A boozer? Mentally Ill? A misanthrope who hates everyone? A total and complete LOSER?”

We can take it like that.

I once countered that question from a girl I knew years back with this retort.

“Why aren't you divorced yet?”

It was common knowledge her marriage was in tatters and I had several beers in me. Warning: Don't ask me anything too personal because if I'm buzzed, I will answer honestly. Alcohol is a truth serum to me. I got slapped in the face once for this in my 20's. I've gotten better with spilling the truth as I have become older...sort of. When I do shove my foot in my mouth, I can really get all of it in!

**

I look back on my life now. I guess as I get older, and get a clearer picture of what happened back then due to the perspective I have now, I can't help but look back. If you don't do this in an older age, I feel sorry for you. Things come full circle and you better tie up all those loose ends or you'll end up as a ghost haunting some family ala Poltergeist. Spookily coming out of a TV set and causing all sorts of havoc because you haven't settled things when you were alive.

So why didn't I get married?

I made a silly chart to show why. I found out that most of the girls I knew were what I called, “roller coaster rides” and I don't mean anything sexual (though that did have a part in it). What I mean is that I was addicted to anything exciting. I enjoyed the adrenaline rush! In fact, I can point to a particular girl I knew who ruined it me for years. “D'arby” I never had a better ride than that. It was like shooting amphetamines, cocaine and then standing on the third rail of subway train. It was one hell of a summer I spent at Misquamicut/Matunuck. I never forgot it. Of course it never lasted, these meteors burn out fast! After her, I kept looking for that elusive ride again. I had a hard time recreating it.

I once did find a very nice, pretty stable women about 10 years back. She had a decent career, two kids who themselves were smart and not hellions and overall, their family unit was intact. The ex husband stayed the hell out of her life except for the kids and there was no animosity from what I saw between them.

I ended it eventually as I lost that spark.

Why? She was boring.

At a restaurant in North Providence one night, she was complaining about her ex and why he strayed.

“He called me DULL! That was the reason he was going with his co-worker! DULL! Of all things to call me stuffy and stodgy!”

I sat there and thought to myself, “Wow, it's not just me who thinks this....her own husband thought and said the same thing! You are a bit stuffy!”

Well, we were both right, he and I. She was a great person but...but..she lacked that fun aspect to her, a bit of unpredictability is nice once in a while. I mean manageable unpredictability, not “Let's rear-end a State cop car, drive off and see how far we can get away with it!” kind of recklessness.

**

So here's the chart. Those dots are various girls I have known and I noticed they all clustered in the “fun” or “danger” category. They were NOT the marrying kind. I guess neither was I.

Do I regret not marrying? Probably not. You can't miss what you never had and then there are all those divorces I've seen happen to people I've known over the years. Jesus H Christ does that seem fun huh? Sure, I'd like to be out of money, pissed off and have my kids treat me like an ATM machine because they are plying both my ex wife and I off one another to win the kid's affections. Or...the threat of being divorced and staying in the marriage would feel like jail.

Co-mingling assets. I was warned about that. I like my assets right here in MY pocket!

Is there a chart for you girls? There sure is! Look below!