On
60 Minutes, an interviewer is talking to Roger Waters about his The
Wall Tour that was loading in in Boston. Roger is asked, “You're
turning 70 in a few months, how can you possibly do this? A world
tour?” He answered that for many years, due to aging, that his
muscle strength had been waning. He added that his body stiffness was
worse and he was advised to hire a personal trainer to whip his ass
into shape before he'd begin touring again to slow that decrepitude
that happens with anyone who is “getting on in years.” He said
it worked.
OK,
this piece has little to do with the concert, but it reminded me of
what I'll have to be doing one day.
I'm
prone to charley horses or plain ol' muscle cramps for years now,
though they've been occurring more frequently. At first, they'd just
hit the back of my legs and I'd be out of commission for 15 minutes
till they passed. If they were bad, I'd have a feeling of a bruised
muscle for a couple of days. Now, I can get them in my hands, arms,
ribs (front and back) thighs, calves, feet and toes...yes toes!
Everyone
has advice. And I thank theme for it. “Eat more bananas!” I hate
real bananas though I love that fake banana flavor. “Drink more
water!” I hate water since I was a kid because Pawtucket's water
tastes like Six Flags waterpark pools, half of it is chlorine. The
first time I had tap water that originated from the Scituate
reservoir in 1987, I was slightly amazed. “Wow! This doesn't suck!”
I thought. More advice...“You need to stretch more.” Well, yes,
I've done it but now it's not easy to do Yoga on the floor, once I
get down there, it's kinda hard to get back up again.
Everyone's
probably right, if I did all those things perhaps the cramps would at
least lessen. Though an interesting thing has occurred for over a
decade and may have something to do with it. Every blood panel test
I've had, my phosphorus levels comes in borderline low. Guess what
happens if you have too little or too much phosphorus? Your muscles
get bitchy and punish you.
**
I
went on a fishing trip the other day with some old friends I probably
hadn't seen in nearly a year. We were overdue meeting up and it
turned out to be a good time as the fish were biting and getting out
of my covid rut was nice too. I hadn't done “anything big” really
since we were all locked down in March. The weather was perfect
except for that mid July sun that turns Irish people into ashes. That
would be me. I kinda knew I had better watch it but like the 2,402
times before, I forget how little it takes to make be turn red.
Deep
water (somewhat deep) fishing requires you dropping a weight, hook
and bait down 150-200 feet of water till it hits bottom. That's where
the haddock and cod like to feed. So, you do that and wait for those
short, quick tugs on the line and pole and you try to snag that hook
good into his mouth. The next part is fun.
If
you get a definite bite and mostly you can tell, you have to reel
that baby to the surface. Your reel, with each revolution, probably
only pulls in 6 inches at a time, so you're reeling for a while when
you consider 200 feet, or 2,400 inches.
On
a later fish I thought I had caught, I was reeling, reeling away with
my right arm. I stopped a bit because I could feel my right hand
starting get stiff from doing it and because I stopped, the muscles
in my right forearm relaxed and then decide to yank all at once as
hard as they can.
“Fuck...here's
another one.” I think
Since
I've been through it before I know that in 10 minutes it'll fade and
loosen up again, but boy, does it feel like hell. When your muscles
contract all at once, they tend to move the appendage lower than they
into a weird contorted form. My forearm muscles yanked my hand all
the way up and back as far as it could go. I have no decision in this
matter. Trying to move it in the opposite way will only hurt like
even more hell.
What
does it feel like? It's not that muscle burn you feel when pumping
weights. That, is a definite pain you can't mistake at all. But this
spasm pain, it's weird..hard to describe. Using your hands, grab your
thigh muscle and squeeze it like a vise and don't stop. What I can
describe better is the second pain you feel on top of it. Since your
muscles are pulling as hard as they can, they also pull the tendons
that attach them to your bone and it feels like they're going to tear
off any second. They haven't yet for me but I swear someday it might
happen.
It
feels like that could happen though.
So,
for FOUR times, four distinct occurrences, I got hit in the right
forearm from reeling fish up. Know what I was thinking
besides...”OWWW!?”
I'm
vain...to a point. Older guys are because we do not want to seem
we're losing any vitality as we age and hate it when the body betrays
us. We, I...still want to hear, “Hey, he's still got it!” I
knew, just knew the others were watching me and confirming small
judgments...”Shit, he IS getting older!”
Yeah,
I know that already, I just don't want to display it so publicly!
Yeah..like I have a choice when these spasms hit. Yeah, I see 60
coming at me...Yeah, it's all true, you see it too. Every bit of it.
On
the way back to Plymouth harbor, we were on the top deck, talking and
enjoying the sights. For some reason, the brother of my friend opined
to me, “Yeah, I'm 63 now and getting uglier, but I don't care..you
get past that point where you care and accept the reality as it
is...and it's liberating in a way too, you no longer have to care so
deeply about 'how you look. You get free of that. Those blonde girls
fishing to the right of us..that family of them...I don't have to
impress them at all with $300 cologne and the latest shirt and
shorts.”
“Free
of that.” Advice from someone a bit older than me. I suppose I
will, or more so..I have been slowly getting to that point. I've
said it before, this is a different period in my life and it's
definitely “new to me” so it'll take some time. I can grow my
hair, beard and eyebrows out like Gandalf (I have that kind of hair)
and dispense ancient advice to the young'uns. Or I can do that, hit
the gym like Roger Waters did and tone things up and keep them from
becoming goo. It worked for him!
**
Special
Goofy Story Time!
On
that same trip, we were fishing off the back of the boat where you
tend to get more hits. As L. and I were fishing, the captain of the
ship gets between us and dumps something out of a mason jar. These
dried twigs, leaves and tiny wooden bundles hit the water and start
to drift. After a bit, we all kinda figured out what it was,
marijuana.
We
all sort of wondered, “Why would he toss about nearly an ounce of
weed into the sea?”
A
few minutes later the same captain comes back, checking on everyone
and we get the story out of him. In the bow of the ship, these
twenty-somethings decide to roll a fat joint and start smoking it.
Well....we aren't in intentional waters and this captain has federal
and state licenses he'll LOSE if he allows this to happen on his
ship. Apparently being told ONCE to knock the shit off wasn't enough
as they did it again and the captain just grabbed the mason jar when
and dumped the contraband over board.
When
we docked, I guess some one radioed home and let the Plymouth Police
know. We were just behind these 20 Somethings and the cops let them
pass one by one and then grabbed ONE of them. We then knew WHO it
was! We didn't stick around to watch but when I glanced back, the
kid was turning out his pockets and whatnot to the cops.
Moral
of the Story. Wait till you're in international waters or if not,
bring a damn vape pen! If they did that, know one would've cared.
