Long ago, I once applied to the CIA. I was nearing graduation and was toying with the idea of applying for a Master’s Program in Counseling Psychology. Two problems existed though. Could I compete with all the other candidates for the few slots available in that and two, how would I pay for it?
Strangely enough, I had met a few professors at RIC who did, or were still consulting with that spy agency. There was D. Cousins, a psych prof who would openly speak of his time when he worked for the agency in Berlin. He would provide psychological profiles on Eastern Bloc military, economic and political leaders there. In class one day, he brought up on an overhead projector his study on Abbie Hoffman. It was an MMPI personality inventory which covers everything about a person’s nature. Hoffman, if you don’t recall, was one of the Chicago Seven who were brought up on charges of conspiracy to disrupt the DNC with protests against the Vietnam war. The protest devolved into a riot with the Chicago police busting heads left and right and it was broadcast on TV. Hoffman and others became the cause celebre of the time.
Cousins authored that report and seemed rather proud of himself as he told us about it.
Then there was Prof. Salesse, a guy in the Language department who damn near spoke every language in the world except say..Swahili? He was another one quite open about his contributions to the CIA.
The goofiest one I took a class with was G. Hall in the computer department. He was the actual Absent Minded Professor who didn’t know how to tie his shoes but could sit down and knock out a new computer language on a whim. Many of the computer majors in that class said he was brilliant but a complete failure as a teacher.
He once astonished the class by admitting, at one time, he worked for the Defense Department and CIA. To add more surprise, he told us one of his jobs was to program the avionics on Minuteman III nuclear warheads. This seeming buffoon, wrote the language for the small computer inside the warhead to make it land on Moscow, Leningrad or say Vladivostok.
We all thought he was so inept he’d screw it up and the warheads would mistakenly turn and race toward Tampa and blow that up.
...but they said that guy was a computer genius. Perhaps that was all he was good at.
****
At RIC in the end, I was heavily involved with Craig Lee’s Career Development. I wanted all the help to get any job prospect to pay out. I was passing by the bulletin board one day nad I saw this flyer. “Thinking of Graduate School? Why Not Let the CIA Guide You.”
How odd! It was the first time I saw job postings or educational opportunities from that actual organization. I took down the address and fired off a letter for their packet on how to apply. I sort of filed the whole idea away in my head as a “Well, give it a shot...if they pay for my grad school and then I have slave for them cheaply for five years after, so be it.” But I didn’t really think I’d take that road as I am politically, a screaming left wing commie pinko liberal at heart..and the CIA was EVIL!
A month later a fat packet came to my mail. I opened it up and inside were all the graduate programs they offered. “Holy Shit! It’s like an actual college there!” I thought. There was every possible subject and counseling psych was one. Along with the education materials, was an inch thick binder which was the security clearance I had to fill out.
Also there was a legal document, one sheet, which stated I was not to tell anyone I was applying. If I do, I would be immediately disqualified from the program.
I took the whole mess to my friend who was in the Navy. I figured he would know much about these matters as he was cleared by the Navy for other tricky stuff. His need for a clearance was due to his being in charge of the encrypted communications between the ship and NATO bases.
“Don’t LIE on this!” he told me. “The last thing they want is some one who is deceitful. If they ask you if you’ve ever snorted a line of cocaine off a girl’s titty, admit it! They’ll look on your admitted drug use more favorably vs. you lying about it.”
“You know how they’ll do this? They have the FBI do the standard background check but also, either they or the FBI, will send someone into your life without you even knowing about it to snoop around, watch you for a day or so...but above all DON’T lie on the forms!”
The forms asked EVERYTHING about me. Grandfathers, political leanings, health problems, neighbors, drug use, alcohol use, attend any sessions with a therapist? Who and what was discussed? Sexual orientation? Sexual kinks? And also, every job I ever had and every friend I had made.
I filled it out truthfully as I was advised.
However, during my time at RIC I had told everyone I was doing this. I thought it more of a hoot showing people actual CiA stationary, forms and such. It was great Show ‘n’ Tell day for me.
I mail the package off and four months later I get a thin envelope back from them.
“We have studied your application and we find you may not be a good fit with our organization. Good luck on your career endeavors!”
****
I
showed my Navy friend the rejection letter and he commented that
perhaps I never made the cut as I was competing against hundreds of
others who were far smarter than I was or God Knows What. He also
said that my bragging about this whole thing to everyone violated the
Form 4030a that demanded I shut my god damn mouth that I was even
trying. Perhaps they found out.
Think this story I have told is total bullshit? See the picture below. I have had this on my wall for decades.
Click for larger.
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