60 BPM

 

 

 

Unsure when if ever I had a resting heart beat of 60 but for the past few weeks it’s hovering around that when I measure it. If I had a BP cuff I bet that’s lower too. These are some of the unexpected bennies of retirement I didn’t see coming.

**

So it’s month three for retirement. I ended going back to my old job ostensibly to get a 1095 tax form (which I did need) but I used that excuse to see everyone again. I never told them I was coming so the surprised look on their faces was proof I was still loved (mostly...sort of). I found that I missed the interaction I had with them.

I had been working on another “reunion” with an older group of worker/friends but I had been trying to set up a time so everyone could get together but it’s like making doctor’s appointments...everyone’s gotta be off the same day and more than one aren’t due to life/work/kids/etc. Oh well, one day it’ll happen.

What I don’t miss from work is the bullshit. As I watched them that day I visited I saw them all scurrying about serving lunch, answering the phone and then the dreaded “outside line” call which meant...call out...I realized again, there, that being retired kept me from being fire-hosed with this.

Am I any happier? I asked myself that a few weeks into retirement and now 2 months later, I still ask it. Well, like the last time I thought on this, it was the removal of annoyances vs. any 24/7 bliss I gained.

But something has changed since I left I think.

So what’s changed? I find I treat myself better now since I’m not required by much of anyone now; I can put myself first now. I did/didn’t realize how restrictive I was with myself when it came to life’s little pleasures when I was working. Well, probably half of that was self-imposed, and the other half by work or life’s usual bullshit that demands your time. For years I kept stuffing retirement accounts and denying myself goodies I could have had then, and probably stupidly slitting my own wrists for the constant needs of others. And the shit I couldn’t control, work, life demanding I need a new CV joint in my car, were the other responsibilities I had to pay the Piper like everyone else does. I’m not a Puritan but boy can I do self-denial and control impulses. That Protestant work ethic I had, had me denying myself and squirreling away pennies and if not that, having a past where I played ‘nurse’ to others. Always others coming “first.”

But now...

I drink coffee which I have never done before really in my life. I brew up a pot and settle back and drink it screaming hot after microwaving it a bit. I now know that pleasure of just sitting there sipping away. Yeah, it’s a ubiquitous joy millions already long since knew about, now I know what’s so great about just sitting there, with the time and sipping away without someone needing me. Yah...even at this age I can come late to things others have long since known. But this time I have the time to slowpoke through the early morning with my heart thumping at a ho-hum 60 bpm.

I am a major fan of German wines. Only because I was turned onto them by a J&W sommelier and never drank wine before because I was probably purchasing the shit stuff w/o knowing it. I thought it wild when you pop the cork on a bottle of decent Riesling that the proof it was well made was you should smell burnt rubber. The problem now, is that if I buy a bottle of Auslese, you have to store it for 10-15 years for it to really develop. I’m pretty sure I’ll be dead by then. So I drink it “young.” And so what...I can. What rule prevents me? That there is another common joy many for years have known and yet I come to it late. Well, at least I don’t need a 30 pack case of beer a day. Some do. I’ll sip my weird Deutscher Wein in moderation as it’ll knock me out before I can cause any damage. Lucky me I was never a booze hound like some are. This is another simple joy I regained that others have hammered at most of their lives.

Though...I have discovered that old age betrayal of the body via alcohol. As you get older, it can’t process it as you could when younger which means, you get blotto faster. This can be a good thing? It certainly woke me up to the fact I can’t drive after! Not that I did except in my 20’s when everyone’s stupid. Now I can crash on my bed instead.

In a day I’ll be seeding, indoors, a bunch of herbs to plant outside in late May. It will be an easy garden to maintain and I want fresh herbs, as having a gallon of fresh pesto sauce in the freezer is a luxury I can pull off. A zillion years ago I used to be a pretty decent gardener. Then I could turn ½ the backyard over to my little personal farm that actually produced. Once established, it takes about 30 minutes a day to maintain. But...you need that time and energy that a full time job would rob me of and I’d see the garden get too weedy and produce less. So within a few weeks, I hope to reestablish that again.

Speaking of pesto, I now can cook w/o a gun to my head to get it done as is normal in most cookery establishments. Not that I was under that gun constantly. After years of doing it, you learn how time everything tightly, correctly and efficiently to where it become almost a bore. But still, having NOT to get anything ready by a certain time is a plus. I actually brown rouxs properly now when before I’d just toss in a raw roux and I could cook it out in 30 minutes or so as a cheat. Clairifying butter? Pffff! Where in the walk-in can I put it to solidify w/o one of the kids knocking it to the floor when they move stuff around? (Which they’ve done, countless times). I can clarify at will now in my one man kitchen.

I can’t remember when I made an authentic Bechamel sauce last when I was working...but I did the other day to make a Gratin Dauphinoise (think sliced potatoes baking in cheese, thyme, garlic and a calorie bomb behcamel sauce!).

It helps to have the relaxed time to do these things.

And this…

I love my music. I’ve been a whore for audio tech since I was a kid and it’s a decent hobby. I found this happened one night right after that god damn blizzard we had in February.

It was late, pushing midnight when I felt like listening to my system. I’m not a jerk and don’t blast it loud to irritate the neighbors. It was fairly low and I killed the lights in the house and sat on the couch and just listened.

Since it was late and I was a bit tired, I leaned my head back onto the cushion and drifted off into that cat nap state, where if I put in a slight effort, I can maintain for a good hour w/o slipping into sleep.

And I remember how I kept thinking, “Wow..i didn’t know that was in the song...that guitar’s rasp is great! Is that Stevie Nicks in there doing background work? Damn...Melissa Manchester’s “Midnight Blue” is really that awesome! I love the stress and halt in that part!”

I was totally relaxed..zeroed in to the music w/o any other intrusive thoughts about the next day, what had to be done. I was finally with the moment I guess w/o my brain distracting me. I haven’t felt that in a long time.

Of course, I found myself waking up at 3:30AM as I had finally fallen asleep. The stereo was still softly idling the music and I was calmly roused from that. I thought, “Shit, you fell asleep in your clothes on the couch...again. Ahhh so fucking what...what law have I broken? Where do I have to be tomorrow morning? WHO do I have to impress?” I got up and finally went to bed.

**

Three months in and I treat myself better and that’s what’s changed. I have the time to properly do things I want at the speed I choose. I still have some coming to me to solve their problems, but it’s nothing like it was before.

I have been asked this, as has my two retired friends down the street were when they retired. They had warned me people would.

D. asked me not too long ago with some true puzzlement. “What do you DO all day?” This is coming from someone who runs a business and has to be on the edge, on the phone and wired tight at all times. From his perspective, my life now seems alien to him, perhaps even driftless.

“I take all day to do whatever it is I want.” I told him. I could see by his face he didn’t get it. He didn’t see how the tranquility was the real prize, even though my life now looks like I don’t produce anything or advance towards any goal. Living the peace is the daily goal now. He hasn’t had that peace in years and it’s become foreign to him.

It ain’t foreign to me now.