Alias

Did you have a nickname as a kid? We all did here. We never got to choose our nicknames. That was always left to someone else who was busting our balls and the moniker stuck.

Me? I was, and still am known by some, as Barroter. I was told that as a small boy I would walk the neighborhood and go unannounced into people's homes. That was then no one locked their doors really. So, why not be a neighborly four year old and say “Hi!” to you neighbors.

One neighbor, said I was a “marauder” for just walking into his home. I then tried to say that word and it came out, I guess, I'm told...as “barroter.” And for decades that has stuck.

Here are some others.

Pork Chop and Runty. Also known as Mark and Mike. They were fraternal twins and Mike was born 5 minutes later and was about one inch shorter than Mark and the runt of that litter. Mike, oddly enough, is no runt. He could bend an iron bar across his chest to this day. Mark, apparently had an affinity for pork chops and that stuck with him forever. Of course, he hated it.

Stinky Midget was the father of one of my brothers friends. Unfortunately for him, he grew to the total height of about five foot one. I never known him to stink but I guess my brother’s friends thought that “midget” was not just good enough for a label. Though Stinky Midget was forever dressed in those old green Dickey workshirt and pants, even on the weekends. He may have been buried in them.

CLAUDIA! This was her real name, but you had to say it with a real whiny, sort of loud and grating voice. We were trying to ape Claudia's Mom who had this ear piercing, ice pick in January and shrill voice. The poor girl was very shy and when she drove by in her old Nova all of boys would then shriek as she passed by...”CLAUDIA!” The poor girl has yet to live that one down, and probably never will.

Ricardo MentalBomb (Ricardo Montaban) was a friend of mine way back then. I didn't really see it then but apparently he was not wrapped that tight and the older boys spotted that and aptly named him. I don't remember the circumstances, but I remember the older kids smacking Ricardo square in the face with half a Boston Cream pie, all the while chanting...”MentalBomb, MentalBomb, MentalBomb.” I thought it hilarious.

Chrystal Methadone (Last Name Omitted To Protect Her Innocence due to Her Idiot Father) was a newborn girl back when I knew her Dad. After the young infant came home from the hospital, the Dad brought her out for all of us to see and kept referring to her as “Chrystal Meth.” Apparently he kept calling her that till she was five years old.

Father “Quick Draw McGraw” was a parish priest who officiated at St Joseph's Church on Walcott street back then. What was great about Quick Draw was that he could zip through a Mass in under 40 minutes. He was NOT the type to lecture, educate nor in any way heighten our spiritual growth. He apparently had better things to do with his Sunday and many of the parishioners quietly agreed.

Simply arrive at church at 8 AM, say a few Hail Marys, chomp down on the Host and before you realize it, you're back on the street with Quick Draw before nine.

Heidi unt Leonard. They were an older couple who lived on our street who had some sort of misunderstood connection to Germany. On holidays, you'd see a beat up Volkswagen Minivan show up and out came many Hansels and Gretels who would jibber and jabber in German to Heidi unt Leonard.

Of course, we made up a story about the couple being escaped Nazi criminals. What made matters worse, is that Heidi did sort of look like a Gretel, Ursula or an Urmgaard. I know, it was totally unfair to besmirch them as so, but the adults of the neighborhood thought it amusing as well.

My own mother had a nickname to the kids in the neighborhood. It was, “Goddammit Maureen!” I guess they had overheard my Dad bitching about something. I never did figure out just how this started. When you said “Goddammit Maureen,” you had to say it like Archie Bunker from All in the Family. I never, EVER said this to my own mother's face.