Jealousy

Hot, ardent jealousy. I haven't felt that in a long while. It helps to be a very young man, in your teens or twenties. It also helps if you're up to your neck in semen all the time, which men of that age are. Find that reference objectionable? Ah so what...I say any goddamn thing I want on here. Hats off to nonconformity, the First Amendment and tossing political correctness into the gutter! Another thing about jealousy, it's been pasted with a bad rap. Yeah, true, you have wild-eyed stalkers with Bowie knives slashing up their wives and girlfriends, but that's taken to the extreme, like everything else in this country has. You take a few instances of weirdness and plaster that 24/7 on the news cycle and it seems like everyone's doing it. Jealousy...is real and a human emotion we all have experienced...you too!

What's funny now ? What I do feel now? I sometimes run into old flames with their new boyfriends and I do feel something, but it's not jealousy. It's more like pity. Upon meeting the new beau I can think: “God, You're with her now? Good luck....wait...you'll find out!” I swear, invariably, that after a month or so, I start to hear similar complaints from the new one that sounded a lot like I used to bitch about. “Well, she hasn't changed a bit.” I conclude.

I wonder if this pity is anti-jealousy, if there is such a thing. That's another great thing about these blogs, I can make up new words and phrases at will. There once was an old therapist I knew who had to stop and define words he made up while working with clients. In the field it's called neologism and it ain't that rare...but I digress.

The first time I felt jealousy, I wasn't even awake. I was dreaming of Patty M. The dream had us talking in the school cafeteria and I was all sweet on, infatuated with this girl (in the dream and in waking life). I probably had a raging, night time erection as well. Hell I was 15. Fifthteen year old boys masturbate to the style and frequency of chimpanzees in a zoo. I know, I was a 15 year old boy once. The dream was going along fine when some guy came over and grabbed Patty's arm and tugged her away. I don't know who the guy was.

I woke up in an instant. I sat up and bed and was shocked. Who was he? Why did he do that? Does Patty really have a boyfriend I don't know about? Are my chances with her amount to zero? I was up for hours not quite understanding that feeling of jealousy. Welcome to sexual maturation, kiddo! It sucked! I don' wanna feel like this!

A few hours later, I got on my ten speed bike, peddled to her house and lurked around, wondering if I'd get a glimpse of that bastard I saw I the dream, or of any non-related guy near her house. My reconnaissance mission failed to turn up any other boys trying to compete with me. Though I did go to her house anyways to say “Hi” and she was perplexed as to why I was there so damn early in the morning. You gotta love teen puppy love, it' so hot,impetuous and rash!

I really didn't have any worries in the end though. I had eventually asked out Patty and was shot down. She shot down every boy that ever asked her I would later learn. She became what we all called, “Everybody's Little Sister,” and Patty was regarded as that. A non-sexually active girl who happened to hang around with us a lot. I head heard later, through the years, that she did eventually marry and the marriage turned to shit pretty quick. I suspect both parties were guilty.

In my 20's I was at times jealous but had learned to hide it and it wasn't quite so hot as teen jealousy. Even so, I felt like a wolf, pacing back and forth thirty yards away staring at another wolf, who was tearing a carcass apart, and wanting that carcass for myself. Hell of a metaphor huh? Well, it can feel like that. I want what HE has!

The trick to jealousy then was to bide my time. He'd leave the carcass alone for enough time then I'd swoop in. Sometimes it worked, others not. God...I know...I steal other's toys. I can smell relationship dissatisfaction a mile away. I know how to start a psychological affair (it's sooo easy!)...then wait...wait...wait for it...POUNCE!

“What?” the smug, morally cowardicial world can ask and mock me, “Can't you find a single girl and do it that way?”

“Sure,” I say, “but it's a hell of a high, a hell of a rollercoaster ride, an amusement park, to play like this! The competition is a thrill! The danger!”

Hell, I'm not alone, women are far better at this game than any male...I met enough of them to know.

Funny how I'm not married to this day. HA!

There was one time where it could've happened. A nice, stable decades-long association with the white picket fence, 2.2 children and the SUV in the driveway. I never consciously sought it though. I never did think nor imagine, as a fantasy, growing older and fuzzier in a relationship/marriage. Cue the Beatles “When I'm 64” now. To me, it was day to day. In the moment. Now. Wow, I'm quite Zen in my view on all of this. There, I can rationalize it that way. No...I won't, it's what I am.

I digress again...

Jealousy, today? Well, I really don't feel it. Hell, being in my 50's, there's a waaay different outlook on life now. That young man's blood for the hunt has waned as I was starting to realize many of the prey to be diseased. “Huh? What's this about your having $30,000 in credit card debt?” Call it improved discernment, wisdom or just plain growin' up.

Hell, I did have fun though at times. Got my jaw busted on one occasion and met some pretty interesting rollercoasters.