Then and Now

Watching The Deer Hunter again, after all these years, was a god damn mistake. The savagery seems even more overwhelming than when I saw it back then. You know why?  When I revisit old movies, books, years after seeing them initially, I see them with the eyes I have now at 52. The experiences I have packed on now demand I see them through that filter. I'm surprised how I can have a completely different reaction to something vs. when I was a young man.

Well, I revisit things out of familiarity, if it's worth it. The Deer Hunter is worth it but fuck.  I probably won't watch this flick again for years. The three hour long dose of PTSD is like chemo. I'm done for a while.

So, enough of that miserable stuff. Here's a funny story of when I did see it the first time.

**

When the movie first came out, I had bugged my brother to take me to see it. I had no car, no money and if I pestered him enough, he'd give in. Well, that didn't work as he was getting sick and tired of my irritating him to no end. Finally, he burst out;

“Jesus FUCK! Get Maureen to take you!” Maureen being my Mom.

So, I slyly worked on her to take me to see it. It was rated R for the violence and I pitched the movie to her as about three steelworkers fighting and finally coming home from Vietnam. I heard about the violence but didn't bother to cue her into that. I was surprised that she said “Yes” and we went a week later.

Apple Valley Cinema was the only theater that was still running it after it had made the rounds in the main movie houses. We both went and as we watched it, my Mom wasn't too keen on the graphic violence. I was digging it because I had no real grasp of the reality of it, or the reality of what people can go through, so that couldn't resonate with me at fourteen. All war movies are fictional and cartoon-ish to kids. We kids, had no clue whatsoever just what it really means...or what even civilian life can really mean when it gets damned serious...fast. How can we get a clue? What skills did we acquire by the age of 14? Damn few. But we think we know it all. I certainly did.

What threw me for a loop in the movie. What got me emotional was in the second “deer hunting” scene where Axle goofs on Stosh's girlfriend for being a slut. I'm paraphrasing this but you'll get it.

“Stosh! Wanna know where your girlfriend is? She's suckin' on some forest ranger COCK!”

My mother was sitting in the next seat to me.

I swear, I conjured up some magical horse blinders on either side of my head. If I looked straight ahead, didn't move, didn't budge those horse blinders...I could hope my Mother didn't hear “suckin' cock” while I was seated next to her. I did give in though and shoot a sideways glance at her and..FUCK..she looked at me.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

CONFIRMED: She heard it. She knows I heard it and knows we both HEARD it...together.

This little scene shrunk me like a spider on a hot BBQ gas grill.

Thank God for the scene after where Michael freaks out and tries a little Russian Roulette on Stosh.  Anything to move the film along...fast!

“So what did you think of it? Mom asks as we went to the car. I swear she was about to mention the cock sucking reference. I was still in a bit of a shock at having to be in the same room with her while that was blurted out.

“It was good.” I finally say.

“I thought it was very sad.” she finally tells me.

This was probably the ONLY time any swearing was said with my Mom and I. A son's revulsion at having to hear any mention of anything remotely sexual near my Mom was the highlight. That's what I got out of the Deer Hunter at 14.

Tonight however, it was a bit different. 38 years worth of difference.