Stories, stories, stories...here's
another one about what dicks we kids could be at one time.
Mr. Kald was our 9th grade
history teacher in a particular Jr. High school in Pawtucket back in
1979. I have to change the names of the guilty because I'm pretty
sure he's still alive and would like nothing better than to plow his
fist into my mouth should he discover what really happened one spring
day of that year.
Kald was then, a pro-Nixon,
pro-Vietnam, pro-conservative and pro-bonehead at a time when it was
decidedly un-hip to be so. We lost Vietnam four years earlier, Nixon
et al were in prison or disgraced, or both and liberalism, especially
in this school I attended, was a banner that was proudly waved. This
irked Kald to no end. He looked like a linebacker, with a military
crew cut and a swagger that seemed a bit out of place for a school.
He also had some facial features that only worsened his look. He had
a bit of a Neanderthal brow with deep set eyes that would open to a
widened Holy Roller stare if he was pissed. This was quite often, due
to his being a teacher of a bunch of 14-15 year olds. It was the
piercing stare of the Saved, the Elect of Calvinism, or in today's
terms, any far right wing kook who is illegally owning/trespassing on
federal lands out West, cradling an AK 47 ready to defend it. It's
the same mindset that triggers that same stare of DETERMINATION and
self assured VIRTUOSITY.
I certainly didn't like him as a
teacher and I came to that conclusion during the first week of his
class. He taught world history and started with the Fertile Crescent
area around the Euphrates. We quickly moved over to the Levant where
he began to discuss “monotheism.”
While striding up and down the aisles
between our desks, with his left hand holding an open book and his
right hand and index finger pointed at the ceiling he said:
“Monotheism! This is the belief in ONE God...One religion...One
Savior...like Jesus Christ and Christianity! A true religion!”
My face must've dropped an inch or two
when I heard that. It wasn't his description of it, it was his
proselytizing of it. The demand...the enforcement of an idea that we
must believe. That's how I read it. He said that with such conviction. I disliked the guy immediately and judged him to be a
Holy Roller with snakes, talking in tongues and all that crazy shit.
At that time in my life, I pretty much gave up Catholicism and
religion was horseshit.
Add to this, he ran his classroom like
a prison. The authoritarian nature of his style really grated me and
the other kids. This was 1979, we were used to a very laid back
attitude that was at the time, held right and true. And here comes
this guy with an attitude of “kickin' ass and taking names.” All
we kids could do was put up with it and try to stay out of the way of
his wrath.
But one kid, J. Wilson, got into an
altercation with him after refusing to write out 500 times, “I
won't do this or that in Mr Kald's class again.” Wilson felt
he was innocent of the accusation and wouldn't do the punishment. We,
in the rest of the class, watched as Wilson and Kald nearly went toe
to toe, nearly shouting at one another about who as going to submit.
Wilson's arms were cocked like a spring and so were Kalds. We all
thought we were about to see a fight. Fortunately for Kald, he
thought better and walked back to his desk and dropped the subject.
I later said to Wilson, “If he lays a
fuckin' finger on you, Your Dad can sue him and the Pawtucket School
Department...times have changed!” They did change. By the late
70's, beating kids, child abuse was really starting to make mention
on 60 Minutes, the news and whatnot. It was also the time when Bing
Crosby died and all of his sons came out to say what a son-of-a-bitch
their Dad was. Had Bing thought of using a car antenna as a whip on
his kids, he would've tried it. That's the kind of guy he was...and
this provided fuel for the fire to the anti-beat your kids till
bleeding crowd.
So, to sum it up, we hated Kald. The
other teachers in the school, of which half were younger than him,
and pot heads who were trained in the 1960's universities, let slip
from time to time what they thought of him as well. None too well
liked was he.
**
Here comes the fun part.
One day, while in science class, down
the hall from Mr Kald's classroom, were were milling around, sort of
lined up ready to go lunch. At a certain time, the bell would ring
and 200 kids would fill the halls all moving towards the cafeteria to
eat.
Mr Kald each and every day at about
noonish, would see his two daughters arrive from the school across
the street, Potters. They were around 4 and 5 years old respectively
and he'd have them wait in the teacher's room before he set them up
in his classroom to watch till school was out at 2:30. This was no
problem for the administration either.
That day, as were were lined up waiting
for the lunch bell, Mr. Kald brings his two girls towards our
classroom and tells them to wait, by “this wall for a few minutes”
till Dad was ready. The two girls stood dutifully there, staring
all around as they did at all the bigger kids there when I opine, out
loud to the kids in our doorway, who were waiting to go to lunch,
this:
“Wouldn't it be funny if we taught
those kids to say “Fuck You Daddy!”
Judy T. and Maureen M., two 14 year old
classmates of mine, heard me and looked at one another with this
wonderful realization. They then dart towards the two little girls. I
discovered their intention quickly and under my breath, but loud
enough, begged them to come back. They did.
I tell the two girls, “You have to do
this right! Don't tell the girls what to say until you hear the
lunch bell, get them to repeat it a few times and then quickly join
the mass of kids going to the cafeteria....you, us, will be lost in
the crowd!”
The bell rings and Maureen and Judy
quickly go to the little girls and start a conversation in a very
friendly way. I, being so brave....quickly moved into the crowd of
kids moving down the hallway.
I get to my spot in the lunchroom with
Pat, Mark, Dave and a few others and I start eating, talking and
enjoying myself. We hadn't been in the lunch room that long when 88
seconds later who comes busting into the cafeteria ready to kill?
I sat there in smug innocence knowing
that he was looking for two girls and I, being a boy...couldn't
possibly be caught up in any dragnet. I probably
had this shit eating grin while I shoved the PJB into my mouth. We
all watched Mr. Kald, with his eyes brilliantly shining that Holy
kill-kill stare, go up and down and in and out of the lunchtables,
trying to find two girls who taught his little girls the worst word
in the English language.
Finally he heads back to the main door,
spins around and yells, “I'll find you two TRAMPS!...And WHEN I
DO.....” He trailed off and left in a huff.
The entire cafeteria, including the
other teachers who were there to police us, got reallll quiet and
stared at one another over this very odd display. There were however,
about five of us who probably, with all our might, tried to stop from
busting out laughing. When we all filed out of the room, I spotted
Judy and Maureen and we gave each other a great, knowing smile.
This was 38 years ago, think he's still
pissed?
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