All male arguments are very early '70s. Soviet-made, uni-directional trundling behemoths that say the same thing again and again and again: "I told you I would be late on Tuesday. I told you I would be late, I said it, I heard my own voice, I did say it... I told YOU specifically." Whereas womens' arguments seem to be these slinky, stealth Lockheed bombers designed in conjunction with Jaguar. With a lovely cream leather interior and infinite torque! That's why they can respond by saying "Yes, maybe, alright, but why is the fridge door open?” Your male brain has been hit by a computer guided Raytheon capacitor bomb that leaves it's circuitry fizzling.

 

*****

I watched a relationship slowly fall apart and I wanted in. I didn't do anything to promote it's demise but stood back and let the two tear one another apart by their own devices. They needed no help from me whatsoever as they were talented enough to ruin one another's pitiful self-esteem. But I'm a guy and impatient and was about to renege on my own sage advice. I was going to stir the pot.

“I want her...and she's prying loose...I'm going to hasten that. I'm going to lead her right into my arms.” I told my buddy.

“Are you?” he said with some huge doubt.

“Sure, she's done with him, she's told me she wants stability...I'm stable as hell. Job, house, car...you name it. He has none of those things!”

“Yeah, you're stable...but if you think your going to pit your wily cunning, up against a woman's, you'll lose fast.” He tells me.

He adds, “She'll smell you coming from a mile away because she's had a string of bad relationships. She's experienced.”

“Don't you know by now? Shit...you've really zeroed in on this one and you're not thinking this out at all are you? When ever have you been able, successfully, defeat a woman at these little relationship games? You're waaay too direct, too obvious and too apparent. It's a great quality to have in that with you, people get what they see...but it's a incredible detriment if you're going to play mind games with woman! You are READABLE. Your talent...if you want to call it that, is that you can be very charming, playful...but you don't have the cynical background of years of manipulating people...that's why you suck as salesman...you're not a Born Liar.”

And I sit there, with the transparency of my character, laid plain in front of me to see. Yep, he's right.

“I still like her, want her...”

“You're thinking like a boy...she's a toy to you...and you want your toy. Granted, you're not being devious about wanting her...you're just honestly very interested in a open sort of way...but stand down on this one.” He says.

So I stood down. Probably saved my ego from a good tearing up too.