Ya know, I'm trying to install a chimney strap to hold up the mast of my FM antenna that was pretty much destroyed in the February blizzard. Not easy work considering the stainless steel strapping isn't too forgiving when you try to manage it around the four corners of a chimney. You want to balance it just right but at the same time it's being pulled down by the seven pound weight of the mast connector. Everything has to be loosely in place before I can tighten it up.
Do this while trying not to fall off a 45 degree angle roof.
I was smart this time, I tied myself off so in case I did start going, I wouldn't go splat on the ground. The rope would save my ass. Even so, you are highly aware, second to second, of your body position. That's nice as I'm trying to split my focus both ways, on not dying and trying to manage this contraption onto the chimney. When I work, I focus totally on what I'm doing, otherwise how else are you going to do it right? Things, people, chance events that distract me are great for never nailing that goal perfectly. They piss me off. One thing at a time please! I'm not a woman who can multi-task.
(I'm a total shithead....I just figured out a way to do this while writing this. Assemble the god damn thing on the ground then loop it over the chimney, then tighten.)
So what. I'm going on with this story.
As I was grappling the first section into place, I feel my rope being slapped against the house and I'm thinking, ”Jesus, why is it coming loose?!” It wasn't. It was B from down the street fucking with my head. He asks what I'm doing and comes up the ladder to help.
“Whoa B! This roof is very steep...watch it...slowly come up.” I tell him.
As I was telling him to be careful, I wondered how much my insurance would cover if he fell. Then the phone numbers of his family to alert them he's a pile of broken bones at Memorial Hospital.
He comes up, gives me a hand and we get the first section tightened down. He has to leave as he was on his way to work anyway. Ah well, 50% done in under 30 minutes is a blessing.
I start on the second section and while I'm trying to get it loosely in place and position, one of the nuts comes loose and the mast connector pops off. That nut HAD to be loose in the first place in order for everything to work. Well, the connector falls and skids down the roof. I hear it go THWACK against my gutter and disappear from my sight as it falls to the ground.
“What.The.Fuck.” I think.
Now, I have to gently get down the roof, unhook myself from my safety rope and get to the ground and find the damn thing.
Here's some fun. Try locating a bronzed piece of metal in a field of green, my grass. Dull yellow on green is a wonderful color combination to see in contrast. The point being...you can't!
I pace back and forth, looking down, hoping to either see or step on this piece. I can't find the damn thing. I keep looking as my temper starts to rise.
“All these delays for a fucking antenna? Is this even worth it?” The other part of me chimes in with a “YES! You've always wanted this...you'd nearly die for it...music is everything!”
I get to the point where I say this to myself. “I'll find this damn thing. I'll mow the lawn here and the mower will ride over it eventually and say to me “CLUNK!!!! “ I'm not kidding, I thought of that as an idea. See how male temper can generate useful but dangerous ideas? It's like rolling the dice on a last chance attempt. You do not care anymore and you're betting the house on Black 13.
I find the damn thing. It was about 40 feet from the house. Nice of it to hit the ground, bounce and roll as fast as it could behind the garbage cans. That took more time...more delays...more distractions.
That's it. I quit for the day. My palms are slightly burnt from the sun heated shingles of the roof. My temper isn't generating great ideas and knowing myself, I had better ease off before I do something rash.
Fuck this thing!
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