Male Chauvinist Pig

Sigh...My big mouth, blurting out “what everyone else is thinking,” and a personal entertaining itch to mind-fuck with people, came out last night. Pour three beers into me and my desire for a little comedy is more easily unleashed.

On the porch, we were watching two 20 something girls, with their shirts yanked up, compare their abdomens. They were about twenty feet away so we could also hear what was being said. The gist of it sounded like this:

“Oh, I love yours! It's so flaaat. I wish I could get rid of this roll I have here..just above the waistline. God, if only I had a six-pack!”

“Six pack?” I thought. The only six packs on girls I've seen were on women weightlifters or the women you see competing in the Olympics. Real hard core sports enthusiasts. It's those kind of bodies that takes five years of daily training just to inch out the other runner by 0.02 seconds and win the gold.

In truth, neither girl needed any form of liposuction or a membership at the gym. When you're 22, that usually comes naturally for the majority.

Since I had the beer in me and all pretense at Political Correctness was subdued, I semi shouted to her:

“Six pack? You're not supposed to have a six pack.”

“Huh?” Granola girl said. I call her Granola girl because she had that Bohemian/Grateful Dead follower look to her. You've seen them. They have the scent of patchouli about them and/or ditch weed marijuana. Most are pretty diaphanous with the “drifting through life” in them as well. Think of Stevie Nicks w/o the millions of dollars. At the end of the day, most of them are cool and wouldn't harm a fly.

“I said, you not supposed to have a six pack. You're up to your neck in progesterone and estrogen...it takes a heap of testosterone to have muscle mass...you're a girl.

“PROGESTERONE!” she barks back at me.

“Yeah...you're a girl” I repeated.

A few seconds pass and then I'm called worse than Hitler.

“That's misogyny! You're a MISOGYNIST!”

It would've been apt then, if she pointed at me and screamed, “Hate Crime! HATE CRIME! HATE CRIMINAL!”

There are times when you get the right comeback. They appear just at the right time as they flash into your brain. I had one and it's an old insult I remembered from the late 80's.

“Misogynist?....SPELL IT!” I bark back.

“You calling me stupid?” she fires

“Stupid? Nooo...I'm sure you we can talk about Simone de Beuvoir's Marxist answer to the oppression of women...How about something more recent? Camille Paglia...that radical feminist who regularly dumps on feminism's sanctimoniousness in general?”

I love blank stares. They tell me everything. That's all I got from her. Her brain flat-lined.

Her other flat abdomen-ed friend grabbed her sleeve and tugged her back inside. I swear she whispered, “asshole” as she went in the door.

I had a mile wide stupid smile on my face as I watched them go in, I knew I had.

“Christ Ron, those two were hot and you drove them off?” Randy complains to me.

“She called me a misogynist because I said the word progesterone? She has NO idea what misogyny is...and I'll reserve the right to be a male chauvinist pig when I want too.”

“She was still hot.” Randy bemoans.

“Hot on the outside, dull as a brick on the inside....and she has the gall to complain about misogyny as those two were comparing how cute their tummy's were to one another? They need to buff up on their feminism a bit. They are supposed to hate “objectification of their bodies.”

There's hypocrisy and worse than that, thick and dense hypocrisy that's paraded by dimwits.  

And now, to piss them all off!