“Well, we'll never know will we? We
could've had a life together. Now we're in our early 50's.” she
laments.
“How do you know it would've worked?
That's “supposing” a lot and if everything worked out well. God
knows how things work out...the chances, the variables...you just
don't know how it would've.”
“I knew it would've. Just seeing you
holding the baby...I saw a family here you know. You would've made a
great Dad.”
I think, “Oh girl...no, no...I
wouldn't have. I have too much of my own dad, Richard, in me. I
would've instilled into that kid a hardcore, mercenary mentality that
would rear it's head in an instant when provoked. I could turn that
kid into seething, snarling wolf hell-bent on self preservation at
all costs.”
This conversation refers to an old
memory from 1987, sitting by a small Merry Go Round in Slater Park.
One of those old Loof carousels. An early summer evening romp in
the park which I remember pretty well, carrying an infant. It's
funny how certain snippets stay with you. The baby I was holding is a
25 year old man now.
25 years..shit. Long time ain't it?
“Never got married...I always thought
you might.” she goes on.
“You got married twice..how did that
work out?” I say. In the past 25 years, she's been through a slew
of boyfriends, married two, divorced two and I almost asked, “was
it worth it?,” but I didn't because I've learned to keep my damn
mouth shut now. What I wanted to say, was that her life, was a line
of crashed relationships, one after the other, like a twenty mile
long line of sixteen large craters dug out by 757's that plowed
straight into the Earth.
“Look LeAnn, the only time I was hot
for marriage, a long term relationship was when I was in my twenties.
But that's natural, to think that as a young man, you're programmed
to do so. By the time I hit 30, that motivation petered out. I
preferred to be alone. And Christ...look at the people I know today,
divorce cases that have gone DEFCON 1 with strategic missiles flying,
guided by lawyers. I know many cheating spouses or worse...staying
together even though the marriage died years ago.”
“You don't believe in love?”
“I do, still do, but I never believed
in the Disney version...you did though. You go all in with a guy,
focusing on only his positive traits and none of the negatives, which
we all have.” I say
“Don't you remember then? In my core,
I've always was more comfortable to be alone. In fact, I was always
like that, even since I was a kid. I can count my closest friends on
one hand, less than 3 fingers and they've been with me for over 30
years. My relationships were always about “fun.” I don't mean
using others to have fun, more of a mutual agreement to have a summer
romp and that's it. I enjoy it as long as it'll last.”
“Like that girl from Colorado?” she
nearly sneers.
“Yep.”
“You offered a stable family home, a
safe environment...I like getting on roller coasters.” I say. And
it was true. She knew it too.
“Look, girls to me were lines of
cocaine, a fast ride, an adrenalin rush. I could pack a lifetime with
one into less than a summer. Then I get bored and I want my alone
time. When I felt like it, I'd come out again.”
She thinks and then says, “You never
knew what a family was you know. I see how you acted around mine,
others and you just don't 'get it.' You raised yourself because you
had to and then grew up too early, experienced all of adulthood, an
entire life, by the time you were 14. I swear I only know half the
stuff you did at 14, the other half you'll take to your grave. You
had no need of a family, or perhaps, you learned to live without.”
“Ahhhhh” I say as I shoot a knowing
look at her. Good observations.
**
It's funny how after years and
distance, the past romances that had any significance, still sort of
have a tiny spark left in them. The years haven't washed away the
dynamic that was between them. You pick up where you left off in a
way. How odd is it, that after twenty some years, I still am in
contact.
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