Having the Last Laugh

Since we're both in the same predicament, being the last one's standing after the rest of our family has bitten the dust., Barn and I wonder who will run our funerals, properly? We've discussed per-arrangement plans but that requires the upfront expense of thousands of dollars and there's still no guarantee the person you appoint to run it will do a decent job. We both know and agree, since we two have buried, between us, five people, that funerals never seem to go according to the script. That being due to everyone else wanting a “part” in it, as if we're auditioning for a play.

We wonder how fucked up ours will be.

Who will write the obituary? It seems most certainly they will not include what we want in it. Most obits read like a Final Resume and are just as boring. We both felt our obits ought to include some comedy, some shocking revelations of deep, dark secrets and replace our photo in the paper's obit with Larry from the Three Stooges.

Barn once thought he might get those three women in Plymouth who are professional mourners. There is apparently three older Italian women who, for a price, will dress in black, stand by your coffin and weep and tear, just audibly enough to make it look like you really will be missed. I suggested to him to instead get three professional laughers. They instead can point at his casket, giggle, smirk and guffaw.

We both thought our funerals should be absolute travesties of good taste.

I thought on it and figured, for shits 'n' giggles, that I'd have an Al Jolson type, in blackface, tap dance on my coffin with singing “Mammy!

“The sun shines East! The sun shines West! But I know where the sun shines best! Mammy! Mammy!(Tappity tap tap!)

I can remember sitting in funeral home while I was planning out my brother's funeral. The “president emeritus” of the place was/is Max B. who, quite fortunately for him, manage to cultivate that morose, waxy-faced dour look about him. I swear could be a stand in for Lurch in the Adams Family. Funeral directors ought to look the part! 

Anyways, as he was getting the history of my brother he probably built a certain quick opinion about how the funeral might go and says this, as a gentle reproach.

“The Catholic church, St Joseph's, will not allow any other music to be played other than the choral favorites...and Mt St Mary's cemetery has strict regulations on what kinds of memorial stones can be placed there.”

I say: “Oh, I had no plans of playing Jimi Hendrix's “Star Spangled Banner” in the church.” And I smirk a bit.

Lurch, never did get the joke. God! These guys are too serious!

Lurch still is the funeral director there and if I were to pre plan my own, I'd probably make him very uncomfortable with the requests I'd want carried out.

“NO! I will not have a trampoline act on these premises! That's too disrespectful!”

“...but I want it to be disrespectful”

“NOT in my funeral home!!”

I wonder how far you can push these guys before they start worrying about the business's reputation?

**

M*h**n, Ronald. February 5 1965 – July 7 20??

Ron died last Tuesday after a coward's battle with terminal hemorrhoids. A Pulitzer Prize winner, astrophysicist, accomplished pianist and poet...lived near him. He leaves behind him a series of numerous failed romances that never resulted in any children (well, he was pretty sure there weren't any, we're so not sure though).

He attended local Pawtucket schools and graduated (late) from Rhode Island College in 1988. He proudly once stated that he had a GPA of 0.93 at one time.

Ron was never a veteran, nor did he belong to any organizations such as the Elks, Rotary Club or Knights of Columbus. He did however belong to that loosely held organization of imbibers of Irish pubs. He manage to vomit in each of them at least once during his career.

As a gesture of good faith, Ron would like to pubically thank the late Secretary of State Robert Burns, who managed to get his arrest and charges squashed after the Pawtucket Police raided the Slater Park drug ring in 1984.

Funeral arrangements include a remembrance celebration at Attleboro's Chuck E Cheez with burial at Swan Point Cemetery with the Grateful Dead cover band, “Village Idiots” officiating.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the German/American Bund Nazi Party.