That Boy is a P.I.G.!

I'll overhear stories of the 20 Somethings I know and each cohort pretty much does the same thing as the one before it. The difference is that for the upcoming one, “It's New To Them.” It was new to my peers at one time too.

So these young adults have jobs, some money and now can exercise new found freedoms that they can purchase. Get enough money and you purchase some pretty unique ones too. But that comes later. I listened as they discovered, for the first time, the Nordic Lodge down there in Charlestown. I don't think they went for the food, more likely it sounded they all wanted to be together to experience a good gorging at a Pig Out Fest type restaurant. I think Nordic charges $90 now.

“Pigging out.” Anyone use this phrase anymore? Christ, I still say “you dig that...right?” I'm old...

For my droogs in the early 80's, anything south of Cranston didn't exist unless it was the beach. So we traveled around Providence or north or east of that. On a Saturday night once, we had finally discovered the Mon Kou restaurant in Attleboro. (Hint: We had enough money from our shitty first jobs to eat out!).

Mon Kou, is a terrifically gaudy, Polynesian restaurant that doesn't serve Polynesian food, only it serves to Americans what they think is Polynesian food. AKA: Sweetened Garbage. But so what, to us 20 year olds, this was new and different. We all grew up on garbage as well too, Chef Boyardee and Kraft's Mac 'N' Cheese. We've always seen the Mon Kou commercials on TV, with their strange rum loaded drinks and the Pou Pou platter with the little blue alcohol flame in the middle. Now we finally got to check it out.

We get the Pou Pou platter and like a bunch of pigs, we start tearing it apart. I had grabbed what looked like Teriyaki steak but it was dyed red and cooked properly to 165 degrees...plus another 200 for 45 minutes. I had to tear into this thing like a wolf tears ligaments off a bone. I held it tight with two hands, bite down hard, then pull my head back to tear a piece off. It was that tough. I kept at this when I felt someone looking at me. You all know that feeling.

I look up as I was hunched over and spy three girls in the next booth, near our age, staring at me as I was ripping the meat off that giant toothpick they stuck it on. I sat there, with shreds of meat hanging out my mouth, looking over the tops of my glasses at them with this, “Yeah....so?” look. Jim and Mark who I was with didn't give a crap at how I was eating.

Of course, it dawns on me late that I'm in public and these are girls, possible dates, possible Mothers to my 200 babies when I slowly sit up straight and give up the Neanderthal eating technique.

Whoops!

Well, when you have a buzz on, your with your longtime friends who are very used to you and you're hungry...I guess eating like a dog ain't too bad. No?

**

The second time I was there was with my RIC friends. We were bar hopping around when we stopped in there for drinks and not too many. I had ordered a Fog Cutter just for an experiment as I had never ordered their oddly named drinks before except beer. That was a mistake.

As my friends kept talking and talking, the rum, brandy, vodka and whatever they fill up the glass with was hitting me. Back then I knew I was drunk with the possible chance of puking when I felt I had crossed that invisible line I knew I had. I can't really describe what that line felt like but once I crossed it, and it was always too late, I quietly thought to myself, “Uh-oh...You're fucked.”

So like any other 20 Something guy, you MUST keep the pretense up that you're not about to fall forward into the plate of appetizers then tilt the whole table onto you with your weight. Don't pass out is the rule!

99.99% of the time if I was nauseous, I would have this little conversation in my head trying to convince my stomach that, “You're not going to puke...you feel fine...this'll pass...just wait another ten minutes and be calm...”

This time. I cheered my stomach to heave it all up. I had “normally” gone to the bathroom, hoping no one was in it and then kept saying...”I'm sick I'm sick! I think i'm gonna puke!” I was cheering on that part of your brain that throws that switch. I wanted all that liquor out of me. I still had to drive some of these people home to Coventry!

And out it came! Thank God! It's funny how that'll sober you up fast. I gave a quick shot in the mirror after I washed out my mouth and said, “Hell, you handsome devil, you look great even after you puke!” The real fact is that my eyes were red and glossy from tearing, but I was still sort of heavily buzzed and self deception works great!

Those are my two experiences with Mon Kou. I haven't been back since.

Since then, I've eaten at far better Asian restaurants that serve you sea creatures you can't identify...and I use a knife and fork. Want to eat food that you can't figure out what it is? Go to Pho Horns in Providence, they'll serve you tiny, Vietnamese sea monsters caught from the South China Sea. 

 Love the Fake Gaugin Paintings at Mon Kou!