Stupid Me vs Smart Me

Weeks can pass by, and most experiences are pretty mundane and repetitive, but on a rare occasion you get one that is completely new to you. I had one I can add to my list.

I'm not sure if any of you have had skipped heart beats, extra ones or ones that seem like it's tap dancing away. I have had them since childhood and they were very infrequent. There were times back then where I'd feel this long lasting “whummmmp” in my chest and my heart would return to it's regular beat. You'd think it was getting bored with the same 1.2/4 measure and decided to change things up a bit.

So, late in this past May I'm lazing about the house when I get them again. “Oh, it's back...haven't felt that in a while.” I say to myself. But this time they decided to take on a different beat. They didn't stop but kept up in frequency.

As the late afternoon wore on through the night, I was starting to get worried as this hasn't happened before. By 2 AM, I'm sitting on the couch, afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to shut my eyes and “wake up dead” the next morning. Also, I had the phone on the lamp table, waiting to hit 911 if things really took a dive.

All this time I had the typical male conversation with myself.

“Ahh...You've been through this before, it always goes away. Relax. Don't freak and make it worse and it'll calm down.” This was said by the Bad Guy Angel on my shoulder.

On the opposite shoulder, the Good Guy Angel said:

“Idiot! You're an unmarried, very single guy who lives alone with a dog. You know what type of decisions you guys tend to make when it comes to health issues? REAL BAD ONES! Get your ass to the hospital!!”

So, after a few minutes of my grappling with myself, I go. But part of me was pissed off because I was going to the ER on a Saturday night with all the other loons, drunks and shooting victims.

I put on cleaner, nicer middle class clothing, comb out my hair and wash my face to make a decent impression. I know, I worked in healthcare and patients are judged! Showing up looking like you live under a bridge doesn't endear you to the medical staff at all.

I arrive at the reception desk and the girl there takes my name and complaint.

“When did this start to happen?” she asks

“Uh...I guess around 4 PM.” I answer

“...and you're showing up now?”

There are Mom's everywhere ready with the sarcastic comments.

So, rather quickly they get me on a gurney, shirt off, pants legs rolled up to my knees and they wire me up with god knows how many electrical contacts. While they were doing that, I feel a stab in my left arm as another nurse is drawing blood. And on top of that I get a dozen questions from another one about..everything.

Soon enough the Dr comes in, reads the EKG and asks me several questions. I answer “no” to all of them. She looks at the EKG again and says...”There's nothing wrong with you...This isn't the profile to any heart attack I've ever encountered.” With that she ambles off to the next patient.

So I lie there...wondering what the hell is wrong with me then.

So I wait and wait and become real bored. I start to pay attention to my surroundings so I can be entertained by the other patients that the Pawtucket EMT's are bringing in. They stop near my room to check in with the Dr. One funny moment was when the Dr approached one patient and says, “Whoa, I can smell him from here...just how drunk is he?”

The EMT says, “Oh, he's WASTED...we found him on the sidewalk down by Division St.”

“Room 4” the Dr points too...

Fifteen minutes later another gurney stops by my room, the same Dr comes again to get that triage report.

“There's a 60 millmeter long laceration on the lower left calf..and um..what looks like a pistol whipping on the head. I counted about 20 individual abrasions..”

All the Dr says is...”Sigh...put him in Room 2!”

By dawn she comes back to me and in a more affable mood to talk. She tells me the EKG did record those extra heart beats and she says, in her best opinion, “They're just palpitations, they're pretty benign but can feel very shocking. You'd be surprised at how many people get them. Do you drink caffeine to excess? Do you get wound up fairly easy, kind of frenetic?”

“Uhh...well...I do like...” and am cut off before I can answer.

“Excess caffeine can ramp up your adrenalin you know. That's a sure way to get extra beats.”

It's fun having parts of your personality laid out on the table by someone you you've never met before. 

I'm then taken off all the wires and such and told to go home with an appointment with a cardiologist for the future, just to be sure you know.

On the drive home the two angels appeared on my shoulder.

The Bad Guy Angel says: “Oh, nice move jerk, you've lost a night's sleep. You know you're going to lose the better half of this day zonked out. Next time, run to hospital if you get the sniffles!”

The Other One tells me, “Great decision...most guys in your situation would be found dead 48 hours later, with your hungry dog munching on your ankle.”