Crude, Crude, Crude...

One night long ago, my brother and I were lying on the carpet watching The Waltons when he grabbed one of the many Dennis the Menace books I owned. He was flipping through it when he grabbed a Flair pen and scratched out the original caption and wrote his own. When he showed it to me I bust out laughing to the point our Dad suspected something was up and shouted out, “Whatever you're doing in there...cut it out!”

The picture in the book showed Dennis's friend, Joey, holding a sling shot. The original caption had Dennis saying, “Oh, I wouldn't use one of those on cats, birds, windows, cars, mailmen, Margaret...” The implication was that he used it on all of them.

My brother had Dennis say instead to Joey, “Now, shove it up your ass.” 

Yes, it was sophomoric, crude and typical humor of a fourteen year old. But to me at nine years of age, it was hilarious. This was the very first Dennis the Menace panel he had rewritten. There were six other books he would eventually redo.

My brother once said it was too easy to do. Hank Ketchum, the originator of the Dennis character, was one to draw very active scenes. These scenes easily lent themselves to other, rather disgusting, but screamingly funny, interpretations. Only on a rare occasion would he draw something else into the cartoon to expand on it.

Another cartoon panel had Dennis sitting in his rocking chair that faced the corner whenever he misbehaved. The scene showed Mom, in exasperation, telling her husband Henry as he came in the door from work, what a day she had with him.

My brother then drew a kid's “Li'l Doctor” toy kit on the floor next to Dennis. He rewrote the caption with his Mom complaining to Henry, “...and then he took out his little doctor kit and performed an abortion on Margaret!!!”

We had a scare once. My Dad once picked up one of the rewritten copies to take with him into the bathroom (aka: The Library) with him to read. My brother and I just stared at one another thinking we were dead meat.

About twenty minutes later, my Dad had returned the book to the coffee table and I shot a sidelong glance at him to discover his mood, if any.

He made no sound at all, not a peep.

I still wonder just what he must have thought of his two sons after reading it.

Years later, I showed them to my then college friends who guffawed over the jokes. I had to warn them in advance the my brother attacked every single racial group there was. He made fun of every sexual orientation, religion and whatever was deemed Holy in our culture. He left no survivors.

Those rewrites started in 1975 and I still have most of them to this day.