Dust unto Dust

This story is old but still funny...

Back when my friend was commanding a ship for the now disbanded 2^nd Fleet (Atlantic), retired naval officers and their families could hitch a ride to wherever the ship was going for free. There were times where he had to give up his cabin for an ex Admiral or other outranking officer that came on board. The ship didn't have to cater to these people as if they were a cruise ship, but you had to make sure the travelers were comfortable.

They brought their pets at times too. And this story is when his ship managed to kill the poodle owned by the wife of an admiral.

The admiral had gone ahead of his wife to Naples, she eventually followed him on my friend's ship. She had his cabin and her dog. Apparently she was a bitch who complained about the smallest things aboard the ship and Barn, my friend, had to cater to her while commanding the ship too. Another thankless job that had nothing to do with the real tasks at hand.

Once in Naples, she told him she'd disembark later in the day for good. In the meantime, would he watch the dog while she did some shopping. He said he would, as long as the dog was crated and she agreed.

Once she was gone, he handed the task off to a seaman and told him to “put the damn thing in the forward compartments” where they warehoused supplies and generally was very quiet. The seaman did as he was told.

Naples in the summer can be amazingly hot as hell and Barn told me that day was.

Later that afternoon, the same seaman came to the bridge in a panic to deliver the news that the dog was good and dead. Apparently the air conditioning unit in there had failed and the Mediterranean sun had baked the metal in that part of the ship to over 100 degrees. The dog had broiled to death.

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” Barn remembers yelling out on the bridge when he heard the news. He knew this bitch wife of an admiral would cause the biggest stink in the world once she came back to collect her baggage and her precious poodle.

The commander asked him, “What the hell do we do now?”

Barn said, “Give me a few minutes to think this out.”

After thirty minutes, Barn said, “Get the bridge crew in their dress whites today, get a few of the seaman all dressed up too...we're going to have a burial at sea when she returns...you do NO talking...I'll break the news to her.”

“You're giving a dog a funeral? Are you kidding? If Norfolk finds out, we're screwed! This is a dog! Not military personnel!” the commander said.

“Norfolk won't find out...if we do this right.” Barn replies.

Barn tells me he broke the news to her in the most compassionate way he could. He completely lied about where the dog had died and the circumstances and finally asked her would she please attend, “a proper burial at sea.”

He was amazed his ruse worked. She was “oh so thankful” that he arranged a ceremony for her poodle.

“All hands bury the dead!” an officer shouted. The ships flags were then lowered to half mast. A group of men carried a 4x8 sheet of plywood that was wrapped in white sheets with a further wrapped poodle on top. The American Flag was also draped, as well as it could for a small poodle on the same bier.

The bier was placed on a stand that jutted out over the edge of the ship. As there was no chaplain on board, Barney officiated.

“I went on about the close relationship dogs and owners have. How dogs are family. How dogs are loyal and loving...I laid it on thick!”

“Firing party..present ARMS!” the officer shouts.

The bier is tilted and the wrapped poodle slides into the Mediterranean sea and sinks.

Three guys with M-14's fire a three volley shot as the dog slid off the platform.

He presented the folded flag to the admiral's wife and said a few words to her as taps was playing.

I ask, “Did it work?”

“Oh god did it ever! I just went on like I was the World's Best Dog Lover and I managed to bamboozle her! My biggest worry was that one of the guys on deck would start laughing his ass off. Hell, I was worried I'd laugh my ass off!”

A month later, long after the wife had been left in Naples, Barn was in the ward room when a cable was brought to him that originated from Norfolk. In it was message from Operations that said.

“We could court martial you for that stunt you pulled in Naples. But Command here thought it was so funny that one of us laughed coffee through his nose. We finally considered the matter never happened. Don't do this again as these ceremonies are for HUMANS.”

The wife had returned to the US and told a few of her naval friends of a “lovely funeral that her dog was given in Naples” and how grateful she was for it. This made it's way up the chain of command apparently. Norfolk did find out....to their amusement.  

Woof!