PEEEEE YEEEEWWWW!

Take a whiff, that ain't no rose!

Roll down your windows and hold your nose!

For sons, Mother's Day is important. Above all, don't forget it. You also had better put at least some thought into the gift you're going to give her, otherwise you'll be seen as a useless, thoughtless son who never cared about her or anything, anyway.

Mom's know where the guilt button is located on their sons.

Father's day, around here anyway, I could put the least amount of thought into what gift I ought to give to dear ol' Dad. Usually it involved my Mom stuffing a few dollars into my hand the day before and sending me off to CVS or Apex to “get something nice.” Getting something nice meant two things. Cologne or a tie.

My idea of a nice cologne when I was a kid meant FUMIGATION. If you couldn't smell it ten feet before you arrived, it was no good. Then again, my Mom didn't give me that much money to get Dad a decent bottle of anything really. Don't blame me! I think the most offensive of the lot of colognes I bought was Olde English Leather.

The bottle looked way cool. It had a huge wooden top. Anything made of wood meant quality...right? It also was very cheap and fit the budget my Mom had given me. To top it off, it gassed a room with a few mere drops. “This'll last Dad a lonngg time” I would think.

Other colognes I found that were cheaply bought were Aqua Velva, Hai Karate and Brut. But they all didn't match the Death Star power of English Leather.

My Dad, acknowledged most Father' Days gifts with a few grunts, a head nod and a “Thank You.” The whole ceremony took about 90 seconds. That was good enough. I wanted to go outside and play anyway. What I did notice that was he'd never wear that cologne I bought him.

When I had asked him why the English Leather sat on his bureau for months after, I got a kind, white lie that he was “saving it for a special occasion.”

My Dad dies years later and the English Leather went into a drawer and sat there for over a decade. When I was younger, I'd tear apart the drawer to see the old photos, high school diplomas and other things from way back before I was born. It was museum day here. I'd ask my Mom about certain people in the pictures and I found out they were old friends or relatives who had long since died back in Ireland. The English Leather became a relic in that drawer. 

**

If you've ever left the window down in your car during an overnight summer thunderstorm, you know of the pool that can collect on the floorboards. Once you've sopped it up, you then have to deal with it smelling like a mushroom farm till the sun bakes the car dry.

I was getting disgusted by the reek when I went looking for something to cover it up. I find the English Leather, open it and it still smelled “good.” Good in that it hadn't lost any of it's superhero powers. I drizzled some onto the carpet and immediately my car began to smell better. The dank smell was gone. I was happier...for a day at least. 

Not only will English Leather arrive five minutes before you do, it stays for WEEKS after too. I begin to really regret the fact I had dumped it into my car as the stuff had this miraculous staying power. It just wouldn't budge.  It's sickening and then becomes nauseating too. I'd drive with all windows open hoping to air it gone but..son of a bitch...it just wouldn't go. I think the stuff could outdo a skunk on stink-staying power.

It took a good two months,  I swear,  before that last vestiges of it finally aired away. Never again. I threw it out and it sat ontop of the garbage out on the sidewalk.

This happened:

The next day, the garbage truck comes along and one guy notices the cologne ontop and proceeds to use it to splash the inside of the truck where that compactor thingy is. I was watching them from the front window and goofed on it. I bet that truck was the “best” smelling truck at the Johnston landfill later that day...hell, even for a few weeks after it had to have smelled like English Leather.

Happy Father's Day to who this may apply. At least wear that ugly tie just one time or use ONE drop of the latest Stink Juice your kid bought. If they see you use their gift just once, you're star will have risen a few more points.