Sir?

Not much happening so I'll bore with day to day trivialities.

I used to dye my hair. I had been doing it on and off since I was twenty-five. By thirty-five, I was completely white, Steven Martin hair if you will. At that age I was still young enough to believe I was still “with it” and vain enough. A few years ago, I gave it up as it's a pain in the ass and I'm not paying CVS their outrageous prices for Miss Clairol #14. Painting your hair is nearly the same as painting the ceiling, you ought to put drop clothes around to avoid the splatter. Guess what I didn't do when I dyed my hair. Hint: Clorox takes colorant off your bathroom walls.

Now that I have this mop of white hair, there are times when I'm reminded how people will judge me for it.

There's a Quickie Mart nearby my house, run by a group of Jordanians. I hit it up enough so that the owner knows my name. But last week, he had hired another much younger Jordanian who was in his early 20's and he was running the register when I showed up. He had no idea who I was.

As I was leaving the store, with a stuffed bag full of 2 liter Coke bottles and a ProJo in the other hand, I was trying to open the door, with some difficulty. I have a habit of that, doing things on my damned own no matter how incapacitated I may be. So, as I'm fumbling with the door handle, I don't see the young Jordanian run up behind me and say:

“Sir! Sir! Let ME do that!”

Before I can say a word, the kid takes the soda and opens the door, goes to my car, opens that and puts the goods on the passenger seat. He spins around with this silly smile. He looked like he just earned his “Good Citizenship” badge for the Boy Scouts.

I'm now stuck in that situation where I have to thank the kid and at the same time, feel a bit miffed as I'm not 75 yet.

“OK...thanks” I say.

I ride home, miffed still and look in the rear view mirror and see that pile of white hair. “Jesus...is that what ALL 20 somethings see if I happen to pass by?” Guess so...

**

I got a laptop the other day, so I can have access to the great Internet anywhere I may go. I need the power of a computer vs. a damn iPhone. So, after stripping out all that pre-loaded crap that Microsoft loves to put on, I install my own programs. Most of this went well until the damned thing hung up and wouldn't install a defragmenter I use vs. Microsoft's.

“God Dammit! Do it you fuckin' abacus!” I then smacked the side of it. I then had a flashback to my own Dad when he was trying to get a mower running one summer afternoon. He was yanking on the cord, priming the carb with gas and swearin' and cussin' and hittin' the machine. I hate to say it but watching Dad get infuriated with a dumb machine was kind of funny, though I was careful enough not to laugh out loud.

I sat at the kitchen table and realized I was doing the same thing to the laptop.

Like father, like son...

**

In Stop and Shop today...

“Excuse me...Sir?” I hear from behind me.

Oh, Christ..there's that “Sir” again. I turn around and there's this little, dried up raisin of an old man.

“Can you reach that? The jelly..the Trappist jelly? The marmalade one? He asks.

I get it for him. He drops it into his basket and tells me that he'll eat that jar in two days flat. “I don't care anymore...I'm 77...I eat anything I want now.” He ambles off and gets three boxes of Count Chocula for his basket as well.

Sound thinking for a 77 year old. What? His future includes winning the Iditarod?

When I shop, half of me is chiding myself for purchasing calorie bomb type foods, the other half is throwing a temper tantrum about getting it now! Alot of times, I walk away and get the more sensible foods. I then think of that elderly guy I met minutes ago and then shove that kielbasa I was eyeing into my basket.

“Life's short...do it up.” I say to myself. C'mon...400 years from now this decision won't even matter!

Here's a recipe for Glop I adore.

Make enough rice to feed Peking. Get long grain and not that crap Minute Rice. I've had that “rice in a mesh bag” and it tastes like the mesh.

Slice up red, green and yellow pepper, celery. Dice some onion, smash some garlic. Amounts don't matter, just do it to taste. Slice up the kielbasa into coin-like pieces. Got snow peas? Great, use them too. Anything else lying around in the fridge? Toss it in!

Fry up the kielbasa halfway to release the grease and remove for later, then toss in the veggies to saute to your liking. Remove. Put the kielbasa in again and then fry that to Kingdom Come till you get that carmelization on the pan. Don't be an idiot and go to the next room to watch TV, you'll burn it!

Either toss in water or white wine (if you're feeling snobbish) to deglaze that pan and reduce it, but not all of it. Toss in your rice and mix around til it turns into a disgusting brown, greasy mess. Add the veggies, kielbasa back and toss around again. Salt the fuck out of it if you like that and fill a bowl with too much and eat it. Get up again and refill that bowl to eat again if you so wish. Realize your adding ounces to your waistline and remember why you did this in the first place. Because a little old man reminded you of how short life is...