Meanwhile in Camelot...

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome Prince in the enchanted land called Pawtucket. He lived in a modest castle, alongside 4,000 other modest castles. Go figure that one. With him in his castle he had a trusty companion, a magical wolf called Wolfy (The Prince wasn't one for creative names apparently). The wolf had no special powers except to eat food and fart. 

The other magic the wolf could do was howl very late at night and wake the Prince up.

“Goddammit! Would you f'ing shut up! It's 4 AM!!” the Prince would yell, about three nights a week.

This Prince had a lot, and I mean A LOT of free time on his hands as he was no longer employed for any battle whatsoever. He was employed during a great 13 year long war but the Generals lost that one. The Prince and others fought gallantly at the Great Pawtuxet Village War but the Mighty and Great King Medicare stopped sending wagon trains full of supplies, gold and food.

That ended that sure enough.

So, the Prince decided it would be a good time to look for the Most Beautiful Princess that Ever Was. He met many Princesses, but there was a problem, most were beautiful on the outside but horribly ugly on the inside.

Princess Cinnamon Schnapps had enchanting eyes, wonderful auburn hair and the morals of a boozy alley cat. He wondered if having this kind of Princess for one night would be fun but he realized that there was also a Great Evil Plague, called STD, that tended to ravage Over-Friendly Princesses in the enchanted land of Pawtucket.

Next he met Princess Way-To-Young. She had that black Chinese flaxen hair and didn't have the problem of strange afflictions...yet. This Princess was a boat load of fun but she had NO endowment of any kind.

“Take me home to YOUR castle!” she would say. “Princesses really shouldn't work and should live in luxury. I'm tired of living day to day!”

The handsome Prince was too smart for that and he had and out.

“Sorry Princess Way-To-Young, but the Magical Wolf would eat you alive.” The Handsome Prince then realized the Magical Wolf had some decent uses after all.


Then there was Princess Hideous. Princess Hideous pined and pined away for the day when the Prince would ask her to dance and whisk her away. The Handsome Prince thought of the troubadour, J Geils, who sang to him once...”You want her, but she wants him, and he wants somebody else, you just can't win...”

Once, the Prince thought he found her. This Princess made a living, had her own paid-for castle and was pretty. But this Princess turned out to be a witch!

The Witch Princess caste an Evil spell upon him.

Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the cauldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Lead him in! Lead him on! Lead him in!

Sap the Poor sucker and Play with him like a Violin!

 

The Poor Handsome Prince was at a loss. Wherever she went, he followed but couldn't get anywhere with her. Promises were made to him, and then always delayed. Always “later” the Princess would say.

“Damn, I really like this Princess. I feel so drawn to her but she won't put out.” Thought the Prince.

Finally, a Great Merlin, an ancient wizard who lived on the ocean near the shadows of the Plymouth Plantation advised him thus...

“You Dumb Fuck! You stupid sucker! Don't you see what she's doing?” he sagely spoke.

“You're being played with! You're a TOY to her! You're a 48 year old Prince and you're finding this out NOW?”

The Great Wizard never did have any tact. He'd shove red hot pokers of Truth through you for fun.

So, the Handsome Prince realized that there was a dearth of Princesses and he and the Magical Wolf went home to his castle.

“You know Wolfy...I suppose I avoided a lot of misery being a Handsome Unattached Prince...what to you think?” he asked.

The Magical Wolf answered with a snort and burp, and went back to licking his paws.