There's Nothing to Do!

So, what did you think of that last post? From the visits to it, I'd say it was a popular piece. Over one hundred of you read it. That had to be the most personal thing I've published here and it wasn't even about me, mostly.

 

*****

 

 

I will now divulge a bit of sport I had with a neighbor when I was about 12. This is sort of funny if you can see how absolutely ball busting it was. As a kid, I was very quick to spot an opportunity to have some fun and to top it off, the butt of the joke never found out the source.

 

A long, long time ago, we had a drought in this state that forced many towns to enact water restrictions. Pawtucket was one of them. The restrictions included not topping off your swimming pool, not watering your lawn or garden and car washes were limited in what hours they could be open. It apparently was a severe enough drought for them to take such measures as I have never seen them before of after.

 

In our neighborhood, we had one neighbor, Henry, who spent a few hours a day manicuring his lawn, shrubs and yard. The guy struck my brother and I as a bit anal and being an adult too boot, was an easy target for our sarcastic jokes about him. We never said anything to his face because he had a bit of a temper as well. I do admit, he had the best looking yard on the street.

 

One afternoon, my brother and I had just turned off the TV and watched through the window another neighbor amble on over to Henry's to slightly, jokingly, admonish him for watering his lawn during a water ban. The two of them spoke of the weather while my brother and I eavesdropped on the conversation. Their voices drifted easily past the screen windows of our house. Those two never did notice my brother and I as we kept quiet as church mice.

 

After they broke up, my brother and I had a singular, similar epiphany. We could use Henry's breaking of the water ban to somehow bust his chops. But how?

 

“Too bad we don't have letterhead stationary from the Pawtucket Water Department. We could send a bogus, but very threatening letter demanding he 'cease and desist' in his law breaking.” I tell my brother.

 

“We don't NEED one!” he says, barely getting it out because he started to break up laughing.

 

We pull out my Dad's Smith Corona typewriter and we two start composing a just nearly too over the top letter, threatening Henry with dire consequences. What was great about this joke was that the only person that had warned Henry, was the other neighbor, who I'll call Thomas.

 

We managed to find the exact address of the Water Department, it's head and secretary. So we typed out a very formal business letter, complete with phone numbers, addresses and the secretary's little three letter mark, signifying she had typed it out.

 

I'm pulling this from a distant memory so bear with me.

***

 

Pawtucket Water Department

85 Branch St

Pawtucket, RI 02860

Phillip Kinch, Director

Mr Henry T.

235 Roth St

Pawtucket, RI 02861

Dear Sir:

 

It has come to my attention, through an informed local source, that you have been watering your lawn and gardens during a city wide watering ban.

 

Please be advised that you MUST cease and desist from such actions. We need the help of all city citizens in order to save our precious drinking water for more important things than vanity.

 

If you do NOT stop in your actions, we will be forced to send an employee to shut your water service off for a determined period of time set by us and will not be subject to any appeal. If no Water Department employee can be made available, we will send over a burly Pawtucket City Works garbage man to rip the spigot out of the side of your house.

 

In all honesty, this is dire emergency situation and your wasting of our sparse drinking water on that dirt patch you call your lawn is an affront to all law abiding citizens of this city.

 

Sincerely,

 

Phillip Kinch

 

asd

 

***

 

We mailed it.

 

In one day (Thank the US Postal Service, they moved quick!) Henry received the letter. How did we know? Because my brother said the mailman came to our house and, in a about 2 minutes, dropped off Henry's mail as well. My brother told me Henry got into his car, sped all of 80 feet and skidded to a stop in front of Thomas's house. He stormed up to the front door of the Thomas house and started banging on their door and shouting for Thomas to come out.

 

My brother and I were laughing our asses off.

 

Apparently Thomas managed to calm Henry down once they re-read the letter and noticed it was a bit over the top. It was in no way official. What Director of a Water Department threatens to send over a Luca Brasi to breaka-you-legs? Henry then accused Thomas of sending the letter which he vehemently denied doing.

 

I think we were tearing from the laughter by then.

Yes, we were complete bastards to have done this. But when you're a young teen and it's a hot, long summer with little to do, you sort of create your own fun.

 

There is another similar story involving an abusive parent, a can of spray paint and 3 AM on a Sunday morning about a year or so earlier than the little joke we pulled on Henry. This action, meant to be another complete ball busting joke, turned itself into a morally correct action that benefited someone and made their lives easier. When I get the guts to admit the details on this one, I'll write it.