Pet Cemetery

I had a few hamsters as a kid. The problem with them is that they have pretty short life spans and you get tired of replacing them after a while. As you become an older kid, the furballs eventually become boring too. Just what can you do with a hamster? (and knock off the homo jokes please!)

Here's what I found out what hamsters can do.

Do They Swim? Yes, they can!

After letting mine roam the carpets, the book cases and tables, I became curious as to whether they can swim as they are naturally a desert animal. I filled up the bathroom sink with tepid water and placed my tan furry friend on the flat portion of the sink and watched him turn the other way in fear. I had to redirect him back to the water as he sought escape. I then motivated him (with a slight push) right over the edge into the water.

Hamsters can swim easily! They have a trick I thought neat when I saw it occur.

Hamsters are hoarders. That's their job. They have pouches on the insides of their mouths where they'll stuff seeds, grasses and whatever food they can find while scampering around to later store in their burrows. When I slid my hamster into the water, I could hear him suck air into his mouth. He filled his cheek pouches with air and inflated them like little balloons. Once he was done filling his cheeks up, he stopped dog paddling and floated like a pontoon raft. Quite contentedly too. That was good for about twenty minutes of kid fun.

Hamsters are race car drivers too. But in my house they drove slick soled slippers. I'd plop one of them into one of my slippers and send him (to his perspective, at 110mph) by pushing the slipper very fast and see him “drive” across the living room carpet. This was good for about another twenty minutes too. By the way, hamsters can get dizzy. Once the slipper came to a stop, mine would get out and walk haphazardly.

I'd let mine out of his cage during the summer months and let him prowl the backyard lawn. I made an interesting discovery about nature doing this. I kept close to him because they will take off on you. I was standing over him and for some reason, by luck, I had moved my arm which caused a shadow to move over him and he did something remarkable, he crouched and balled up. It then hit me. He was trying to not to become prey. He had an automatic reaction to the supposed “hawk” shadow that glided over him.

So, you guessed it, I had my hamster avoiding the 300 hawks that kept flying above him, casting their menacing shadows on him. He'd run, ball up, run some more, ball up again. So many damned hawks!

*****

I haven't had a hamster in over 40 years. What was weird was that around 2002, I had come across my first hamster by accident.

When my first hamster died, my mother and I had a little funeral for him. I found a small box for the casket and found a grave marker, an old brick on which I painted his name and dates. I had buried him in the center of our backyard as that was probably where I wasn't going to be digging up with my Tonka trucks. The play areas that were dirt were the corners of the yard. So, I buried him and then actually buried the brick on top of his sarcophagus as my Dad said he didn't want to run over the brick with his lawnmower. For about 30 years he lay there, resting in peace.

I'm not lover of lawns and my job to keep it pretty is just to cut it when it starts to annoy me at how long it is. But back in 2002, a good part of my backyard lawn had died off. God knows why? Grubs? Mold? Either way, it was dead and I now owned a large dirt patch.

So, being a good homeowner, I turned over the dirt and reseeded it. I was using a digging fork which is great on sod and dirt. I had shoved the fork many times into the dirt when it once made a loud sounding TINK.

“Huh? What the hell did I hit? What's under the ground.” I thought.

So I shoved the fork deeper, to the side of whatever I hit, and leaned on it like lever to discover a buried brick.

It hadn't hit me yet just why it was there. Till I saw and read the faded paint on it...Holy Shit!

“Claude Bartholomew Hamster” was painted on the brick.

“Oh.My.God.” I thought to myself. I had forgotten all about this. I was nine years old when I buried this thing. I was so surprised I had to bring my brother outside to show him this.

“Dig a little deeper...I wonder what else might be down there.” He says.

I dig, but all I come across a few pieces of rotted wood and that's it. I guess Claude was recycled back into nature 100%. The best guess, he was recycled into my lawn.

I don't know where the other hamsters are buried. I had three of them.

 

*****

 

I came across this and found it in bad taste, but I love dark humor too.  This college girl had her own funeral for her hamster and uploaded it.

 

 

"Squib Mesocricetus Auratus passed away Monday, December 17 of causes incident to age (ie NATURAL causes). Abandoned at a young age, she was adopted from the Meijer Pet Store orphanage in January 2006. Acutely aware of her fortunate situation after living in such squalor, she vowed to champion the cause of homeless hamsters everywhere. This never happened, but it was nice of her to care.

Squib was a tolerant, docile beast with a keen mind as hamsters go and a strong love of stunning acrobatics. Her beady little black eyes would light up at the sight of her bungee-jumping harness.

Other favorite activities included chewing on things, running around the cage, sleeping, and the occasional escape. Her one regret in life was that Ellen never petted her.

Squib was preceded in death by the predecessor hamster Jerome (thanks Carmen). A viewing will be held Tuesday, December 18 at 7:00, followed by a short but moving funeral. Internment will be behind Laura's condo.

In lieu of flowers, Squib requested that cash donations be made to help alleviate the exorbitant costs of burial and the poor fuel economy of Jaclyn's Jeep.