Night Train

Do you drink wine? I didn't for years because the Irish have no history of wine making, just stump whiskey. I grew up around Jameson's and beer, both made from grain. When I first tried wine it reminded me of bad vinegar. Yuck!

To tell the truth, I had no idea how to buy it, what to buy as there were a million brands and all claimed to be the best. The ones I did purchase at times were awful. If I drank half of it, I usually ended up with a whomping headache the next day. I ended up using the rest of the wine for cooking and if I didn't use that, I poured it down the sink.

I finally learned about wine at J&W many years ago. We were required to take an introductory enology class taught by this guy named Bartlett Poury. I have to admit this guy did know his wines as he was a sommelier for high-end restaurants in Europe and the US. He was one of these guys, if you put a flight of varied wines before him, blindfolded, could tell you the variety, vineyard and the maker. It's a hell of a talent to have.

He also was a master at something else. He was excellent at snobbery and contempt. I'm sure he learned that pouring wines for the rich and famous during his career. At times during the class, he'd manage to offer his disdainful opinion on people, ideas or political leanings. with his nose properly turned up. He called democracy “mob rule” once. I figured he missed his calling as a faithful servant to British aristocracy when it ran America back then. The only thing that mattered to him, were Classical music, Classical literature and Old Money. New money was disgusting and any time spent with you was wasted.

We began to tire of his up-snoot ways and started to bust his balls some. One of us asked him:

“Mr Prouty, if wine had no alcohol in it, would you still drink it?”

He fails to answer for a full second when he nearly blurts out, ”yes...YES I would!”

Bullshit.

“Mr Poury, what's the difference between a wine connoisseur and wino?”

He was perplexed by that one

The answer comes: “A paper bag!”

We laughed. I think he was a bit miffed by that one.

Finally, someone nailed his coffin shut by asking...

“Mr Poury, you must've made some money in those Berlin and Parisian restaurants when you did work there? Yes?”

He said he did well.

“But...did you make more money than the people who ordered you around when they came to the restaurant?”

No answer.

“So you were just another working stiff...a peasant...a servant?”

It was sort of fun reminding this guy that was not, nor ever will be, part of that 1%. And that's the joke of it too. This guy aping, believing the views of the very people would never allow him to walk in the front door of their homes. Servants go around back.

However, he did know wines.

*****

During the class we drank some of your better wines as J&W had the cash to buy them. I tried various ones and most were better than the crap I bought. Though, most of the red wines I am not in love with because they do something with it that gags me, the age it in oak barrels. I cannot stand the taste of oak nor the tannin's in them. I do not eat oak trees, cook with them or lick them. If I want tannin, I can drink tea or slurp from one of the motionless ponds by the river that's choked with last year's leaves.

Finally, I came across one I fell in love with and had no idea it had existed, Riesling.

It's a white German wine and before you start going, “Ugh! Yucky sweet,” there are a whole bevy of different Rieslings. The trick to German wine is not the grape, but when it's when it's picked. The later you pick 'em, the sweeter they'll be. The other added perk to Riesling is that they never age it in goddamn oak.

True, there are a ton of sweet, sweeter and insulin-sweet German wines, but there is a regular one too called Kabinett. Kabinett (just like your kitchen cabinet) is a dry white wine that packs a wallop in certain cases. What's great too, it's not expensive.

The funny thing about Rieslings is that when you open the bottle, the first whiff you get is that of a burning tire. It really does have a burnt rubber smell. When you pour it into the glass, that initial scent dissipates and you pick up the flower scent. If you want more of that flower garden explosion in your mouth, go with the sort of sweeter ones. They are ranked according to harvesting times.

The sweetest one, the one that'll rot the teeth out of your head is called Eiswein. They leave the grapes on the vine till they harden with the first freeze. By that time, most of the water in the grape is solidified and all that's left is the sweet syrup and they press that out. When they ferment it, they barely let the yeast do it's job. If you buy some, bring $$$ and realize you're going to get a eensy-weensy bottle.

But what do I usually drink 99% of time if I do? Crap Budweiser. Yep, rice beer. Shitty, watery, no taste at all Budweiser.

I add that as a caveat to my fermented beverage tastes and choices.

*****

There's an old Australian joke about American beers:

“American beer is like having sex in a canoe” an Aussie will say.

“How so?” the other Aussie asks.

“Because it's fuckin' close to water!”

 

 

 

A Sommelier

 

 

 



A Raving Wino