Next, Get the Wax Out of My Brain....

I have Eustachian Tube Dysfunction and have had it since about five years ago. The funny thing is that this is commonly a kid's disease...I'm 51. Dr. Doug says that he sees adults with this on a ratio of 1:20 or worse.

“You're kinda too old for this...but it happens. I see it all day long in kindergarten kids. It's imperative we put the tubes in their eardrums, they're still trying to learn language...can't have a deaf kid in school we can't cure!”

I ask him what's the difference.

“None, only that we can do this operation w/o any anesthetic on adults, kids we have to sedate. I know you'll sit still for this, you did the last time.” And then he winks at me.

“It feels like you're putting a red hot screwdriver into my ear.” I say.

“Yeah, everyone says that.” Dr. Doug assures me.

As he probes deep into my head, he tells me a story of having to convince his 13 year old little league son that “just smacking a ball with all you're might with a bat isn't enough, you have to learn form.” My form included gripping the arms of the chair, gritting my teeth and trying to keep absolutely still while he has these odd instruments deep into my ear.

Anyway, I got this done after putting up with being half deaf on that side of my head since, I'd say, last December. You get tired of tilting your head towards people to understand them. If not that, you're saying “What?” all day long. Add to that, you sometimes give up and decide to cut yourself from the social world while everyone else is yapping it up bigtime. The reason being is that all that background noise makes conversation sound like a gravel truck dumping its load. Gibberish.

But the major reason I had this done, was music. I have a two speaker system in my house and for too long, I couldn't hear half of it. Ugh.

The first thing I did when I got home from Dr. Doug's? I put on the stereo and I finally could hear it all.

“Damn...I was missing all of that!” I thought.

But after a while, something wasn't right. I know music well enough to know that some of the recordings I have weren't sounding right. So, on my knees to that altar I go and I start moving sliders, knobs and cue into what may be missing from the mix I created. There's no decent instrument or stage separation, weird focusing in one corner of the room and a host of other oddities.

“Why is it sounding like shit?” I thought.

“Goddammit...that bastard did something wrong with my ear.” I conclude.

After ten minutes of fiddling around with various control panels, I found that the “extension processor” button was deactivated. I hit it and the Choir Invisible of God's Angels started to sing sweetly.

“You.silly.son.of.a.bitch!” I told myself. I had the entire processor unit bypassed. No amount of fiddling was going to do anything. How could I have forgotten?

“Too many buttons...too many buttons.” I consoled myself.

So now, I have David Bowie's “TVC One Five” playing wonderfully and I am not about to sue Dr. Doug anytime yet.

If your nuts enough, sit with the processor unit in you lap and get it "just right!"

Even worse? Keep a clipboard on your couch at ALL TIMES with various settings and circuit paths ready.